Soap Dopes

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B | Grade It Now!
Washing out

In Cucumber Dick, the Homosexual Commercial, we first see the lady chef at the sink with her young "apprentice" (ha ha ha! I am funnier than Kristen, and I wasn't even going for funny), and then she reaches in so that her hand covers his hand, which is in turn on -- the cucumber! HA HA HA! DO YOU GET IT? She stares lustfully at the apprentice while she shakes the water off the cucumber. And then, of course, as is the tradition in all good seductions, she...makes a mug of tea. (This has something to do with the green tea in the body wash, but boy, can you ever not tell, and boy, does the cup of tea in the middle of the semi-porn look stupid. ["So…I'm the only one whose mind went straight to tea-bagging? Okay then." -- Sars]) The lady chef lingers in a doorway, and then she does her "here, big fella" finger-waggle as the apprentice looks on. He heads into the back room with her, where...she has a tray of containers of body wash laid out. No, really. In the kitchen. Like she's been putting them in the soup. And then the apprentice chef picks one up and holds it up to the lady chef's nose, and she makes like it's 100 percent pheromones and she might have a bit of a moment right here and now, but then it passes, because she realizes that she is in the unsexiest commercial since "Don't Squeeze the Charmin." And then the next thing you see is the apprentice walking away from the camera, his arm around his boyfriend. Only the one guy is really short and the other guy is really tall, so they look more like a dad and his son, especially since you never see the big guy's face, and the little guy walks off leaning up against the big guy in a childlike way. And the woman looks all frustrated, and the voice-over says that the body wash is "a refreshing twist." Because they're GAY. GET IT? When the commercial is over, Nipples looks around with a contemptuous chuckle, but that might just be what his head looks like. He sends Magna out without a word about their commercial.

Net Worth enters, with Kristen and her newsboy cap carrying a tray of body wash. Their commercial starts. As you would expect, the only thing to not suck entirely is the music, which is at least boring and unobjectionable. In the ad itself, there are a bunch of runners running along, and then Sexy Guy pulls up with a charley horse or something. (Objection, irrelevant.) Other runners get bottles of water. Bottle! Bottle! And then...body wash! Yeah, see, Sexy Guy gets handed a container of body wash. It is not clear why. The other runners stop and look. Sexy Guy rubs body wash onto his sweaty arm. He rubs body wash on his sweaty face. He makes a cheesy grinning face, and then he wipes the body wash directly off his sweaty self with a towel. Random shots of cucumbers and -- you guessed it -- tea are supposed to make it all better. And then he runs off. No water, either before or after the body wash. And also, for the most part, he put the body wash on his face. Nipples tells Net Worth that he "appreciate[s] the effort," and then he sends them out. Get out, out!

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