Apprentice
Soap Gets In Your Eyes

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Jacob Clifton: A | Grade It Now!
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Lesson Nine: Pain Is Temporary

Nicole on the screen inside the screen screams and screams at Tim inside the screen about something my ears hurt too much to hear, and outside there's Nicole nodding like a maniac, and Stef's voiceover is all, "Will [Tim] propose? Will [Nikki] like whatever? Find out at some stupid website about grout cleaner." The boys are wearing these weird pale blue/mint green candystripe ties, the colors of the cleaning agent company, and the ladies are wearing equivalent scarves around their necks, like they work on Rodeo Drive being mean to hookers. Stefani looks like a million bucks as usual, but there's something maddening about the little Daphne scarf on Nicole, and I can't put my finger on it, and obviously my problems with Nicole go way beyond Nicole and more to the box I plopped her into nine weeks ago. I mean, I get that. And the second she steps outside that box, I'll reevaluate, because the only thing stronger than my judgmental streak is my delight in showing how open-minded and flexible I am. But that day has not come, and you and I both know it never, ever will. So when I say that in grade school she loved horses, I mean LOVED them, like drew pictures of them and had plastic ones that she took everywhere, this is all I'm really trying to say: the neckerchief looks fucked up on her.

Kinetic then threatens to "take [us] on a journey to SoftScrub Suburbia," okay, where Dirty Little Secrets are about to make their debut, and then: apocalypse. Muna knocks on Heidi's door, and in the second of the knock and the second of the opening of the door, and in the second that Heidi standing just inside opens that door, all hell is unleashed. I would do a little fake transcript of the part, because I do think that would be both fun and edifying, but...well. Who knows what they're saying? So Heidi opens the door and Muna gabbles at her for a second and then pushes inside, and then Heidi is talking equally crazy, and then they run up the stairs and down the stairs and into the kitchen and out of the kitchen and into closets and out of windows, and there's Sasquatch chasing them, and then a girl in a bikini whose clothes suddenly disappear, and then Benny Hill on a tiny little tricycle, and there are some nuns, and a Friar on a bicycle with a squeeze-horn, like one of those pennyfarthing ones way up in the air, bicycling slowly across the sky, and there's a yellow submarine, and Gordon Lightfoot comes flying out of a clown's mouth into a mountain of ice cream, Sarah Silverman driving a German car over Loch Ness, the entire cast of Spun doing an angry dance-off with the cast of Trainspotting over River Phoenix's body outside the Viper Room, Lohan's there, you get a flash of Britney's vagina, one fat kid in green silk pajamas in the middle of a Chipmunk dervish whirlwind, and all the time, they're talking, talking, talking, and yelling words at each other, and you don't know what they are, but a few of them float up out of the screaming, words like "cleaning" and "ammonia-free," and there are violins and the executives are like, "We have been roofied by Tim Leary." Heidi runs upstairs and wipes words that you also cannot understand off the mirror after reading the entirety of the back of the bottle as fast as the crank will let her:

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