Soap Gets In Your Eyes

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | Grade It Now!
Lesson Nine: Pain Is Temporary

Stefani scatters rose petals. Next to the toilet. Tim and Nicole stand around as usual, with their bizarre chemistry, as usual, and they begin the Barbie 'N' Ken nightmare to which they've committed. Nicole can't act, but you know her ass can scream; Tim's forgetting his lines left and right. I imagine that he's distracted by his fight or flight response. Nicole disinfuckingenuously interviews about how she and Tim just happen to be playing the boy and the girl in the scenario. "That's soooooo cuuuuuuute!" she shrieks. I'm sorry, you guys, I tried. I honestly did try, but this is upsetting on like every level. This is not what the kind of people I like, do: it's the kind of thing done by people I despise. It's gross and fake and self-dealing and deluded and weird, and the acting is additionally atrocious. So Nicole shouts, and flirts, and acts obnoxious and stupid, and Tim acts like he's never had a girlfriend before, which I'm still looking for evidence that's not the case, and Frank watches -- I love this editing storyline where Frank is so in love with Nicole and hates that she's dating Tim, not only because I'm sure it's entirely false but also because if this were Frank and Nicole falling in fake TV love, it would be my favorite thing in the universe -- and he's so not impressed with the bad acting and general crapitude of what they're creating. Stef, as usual, is not liking it, but keeping quiet for now. Tim interviews how, strangely enough, the whole "propose to Nicole" thing she's engineered is kind of weird and awkward. You know why that is, Tim?

They are horrible, horrible, horrible. Finally Frankie Suits stomps around with his "this is BS" face on, and as usual, he's right about this. Nicole -- props to Nicole -- teaches the team about television and the concept of closeups and editing together different shots to create an interesting visual, rather than apparently setting up the camera and walking away from it like they thought you were supposed to do? They're reinventing TV! Guys, it's already been invented. James is like, "So apparently in filming things, if you show a person's face every now and then, that shows feelings and character." And sometimes, just sometimes, gaping, desperate need. She does a good job of getting the idea across, and I'm glad she mentioned it, but almost equally I am troubled by the fact that she needed to. James gets stupider: "Nicole's experience watching all those soaps really helped out." Ugh. Ugh, ugh, ugh. I realize that you don't do my job for a living, and Lord knows I don't have the skills or mindset to do yours, but: really? This never occurred to you? Do you know that the people on TV aren't real? Do you know that they're normal human-size people? Tim and Nicole embrace flourishingly when they wrap, still nobody cares.

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