Apprentice
Apprentice

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | 776 USERS: C+
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Lesson One: Competence Is Only Skin Deep

In the Synergy van, Allie's got the whole group in a circle around her, all about how she's "so pumped about this team!" because "we all went on instinct!" when picking teams, and somehow, thanks to fortune and instinct, she's ended up with "the nine most talented people here." Brent flumps about how the team should be called Killer Instinct Corp., which is dumb, and everyone's bored and irritated by this. Most of them in the right way, which is: "Stop yelling with that voice already," but Sean interviews smarmily: "Absolutely horrible...my opinion of him started to fall then," and he talks about how Brent's "delivery" is "almost awkward" and whatever, that's true, except for the "almost" part, and also: Look at your face, man. All you are is an accent. Pepi floats "Synergy," everybody nods, they all cheer. Brent cheers. A little louder than everybody else. I don't think he's ever really known what was going on, so much.

Tarek's van is full of scarier-looking people, basically, all looking up at him adoringly. "Being in Mensa, it allows me to think on my feet very quickly --" No, it doesn't. It allows you to think about thinking with the greatest of ease, but you've still not said a damn thing, other than how smart and classy you are. "The ability to think quickly and think on your feet separates you from the pack." Tarek lectures them all about how he can "sum people up very quickly," which, admittedly isn't all that different from Allie's "instinct" stuff, except for how you don't want to sock him in his beautiful jaw. He floats the team name Gold Rush, "because it's a double entendre! Gold Rush! We are all trying to make a lot of money one day..." and we don't hear "entendre" number two, but the first one is enough for me to barf. They all nod and kiss his stupid ass. Summer is faker than fake, and dumb as hell too. I'll tell you right now she gets cobra'd, so there's no suspense, but seriously, Summer. What is it that you do? "I thought, I hit the jackpot with this task! I am a small business owner! Sam's Club is out there to help the small business!" Emphasis mine, because: Are you in reality retarded, lady? "Sam's Club helps the small business"? What Sam Walton giveth to "the small business," Sam Walton taketh away, I guess. Moron. Her basic argument, about the task, and her worth in this task, is this: "I know how to use my Sam's Card, so we're good."

Lenny the Russian, very deadpan, kind of scary, but I think a very funny man: "I know the area around Sam's Club. Left and right." The Sam's the team is dealing with is in New Brunswick, where he happens to live. They meet up with a graphic designer to discuss their promotional stuff, and get all creative because Tarek demands "new creative taglines." Theresa screams at the graphics guy: "The logo! Do something with the arrow that says it's a big deal!" She confides in us that "Sometimes you can overanalyze marketing, but Sam's [existing marketing strategy] works." They all agree that "Come see the big deal!" is the best slogan ever, but forget that this is the only idea they've had or thing they've done, and that "The Big Deal" doesn't actually exist beyond: "Hey! It's Sam's! In New Brunswick!" Five little words, call it a day.

Apprentice

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