Summer Of Sam's

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | Grade It Now!
Lesson One: Competence Is Only Skin Deep

Oh how I have missed this song. Yay! Let's do intros now, in the interest of you giving a tiny bit more of a damn throughout the rest of the recap. Team Gold Rush is composed of Dreamy Famous-Looking Dan; Leslie who looks like British actress Billie Piper and is a Louisiana realtor; Lee, who looks like one of the previous Andy Apprenti plus Adam from last year; the eponymous Summer, a restaurateur who looks like a stripper and/or tanning salon receptionist with crunchy hair; Tarek, the Orlando Bloom look-alike with the Rory Gilmore backstory and about whom this recap will be; Charmaine again, who bounced around the country her entire life taking apparently only jobs that would fit the fifteen tasks they'll be doing (marketing, sales, real estate, consulting, et cetera); Lenny "The Russian" from Jersey who passed his Series 7 and learned English the first two years he was in America; laughing Theresa the psychotherapist, skinny with blonde hair and quite a forehead; and Boring Baller Bryce, who's misshapen in the credits with a boss eye. Those were the hotter ones, and you'll see in a second how that came down.

Team Synergy is made up of: brunette Tammy, who has fiercely defiant eyebrows and Hasselbeck lips; super-cute Pepi, the goateed Miami attorney; Roxanne, who has a lot of gums and two professors for parents, and who was inspired by Sandra Day O'Connor to become an attorney; Sean, the creepy British dude; Allie, a bobblehead of a person, who looks and acts like she could be Dharma's weird aunt; the nondescript and nearly silent Michael, lately from both Chicago and Arthur Andersen; Andrea, the hippy from above who has the exact same coloration as Daphne Zuniga, down to the reddish highlights and bright blue eyes; Brent the bloated and squealing lawyer who has added insult to injury with his truly unfortunate haircut; and yet another Stacy, this one a fairly cool journalist-turned-criminal defense attorney, who looks like Dar Williams's uptight sister.

Trump's plane is so damn exciting that we have to watch it forever, as it flies, the wheels coming up, the landing is cleared, and it finally lands at Republic Airport in Long Island. Carolyn and George usher the hopefuls out onto the runway and up the jetway, Tarek bringing up the rear, as Trump tells absolutely nobody on the other end of the phone he's holding that he's going to "meet the candidates" and "be in in about an hour." Did you know Robin left? She'll be on this season, I presume, but she's gone. Sad. Trump yells at the candidates about how awesome his "airplane" is, so pneumatic and girthy, and they all nod and agree on its awesome power, then he explains a bunch of basic bullshit to them. They're so cramped in this sickening display of...whatever it is...that Brent's basically in Lenny's lap. They look super-cozy. Trump tells them about how one day they might have planes. I wonder if, one day, he won't need one anymore, but I think it's obvious that the possibility of Pinocchio becoming a real boy has left the coop for good.

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