Summer Of Sam's

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | Grade It Now!
Lesson One: Competence Is Only Skin Deep

"Ladies first," of course, so Allie -- who looks so crazy! Tiny little head, hair all round atop it like a doll! -- points to the lady with the eyebrows, citing her "credentials" and "demeanor," which Allie apparently finds tiger-like in some way. The ongoing sorority game of Crap On Markus has left its taint on the show, now, as they quickly pick based on who's cutest. I actually kind of love it, because A) this show is stupid, and B) that's how the actual world actually works, so it's nice. We'll talk about Summer in a bit, w/r/t this factor. Tarek picks Dan, for the even dumber reason that "He's a parent, he has two boys. I respect that," which is our first example of how Tarek's not too fast on his feet, because he so should have answered better than that. Allie picks Andrea (whom Tarek wanted, because to run four different businesses somehow shows she has "creativity," but, like, wouldn't the pot stench tell you that?) and Tarek picks Bryce due to his pink tie. Allie picks Michael, whom she calls "the handsome [read: black] man in the orange tie," and Tarek takes "the lovely [read: Filipina] lady in the brown." Allie wants Sean, even though she, along with a lot of viewers, thinks his British accent might be fake (Trump and Carolyn scoff, because what's wrong with Sean goes so far beyond his posher-than-posh accent). She tells us she picked Sean not because of his accent, but because of his presence. And his accent.

And so but who's left? The two fat lawyers; the child; the dumb, trashy-looking one; and the Russian. I love this show so, so much. I want to marry it and have its condescending, bullying, violent little babies. Seriously: How much would Season Four Chris and Josh have rocked this season? Tarek takes Lee, since he's not fat, a foreigner, or a girl. Allie takes Pepi, because he's the only decent one left. Tarek takes Summer, so Allie is stuck with Brent. Brent, who has little cartoon confusion whirlwind lines emanating from his head at all times. Brent, whose only voice is that of a severely pissed-off Mickey Mouse. Brent, who even in the hurricane of a Long Island runway is sweating like a freak. Brent, who might as well be wearing a sign around his neck that reads "CLUELESS + UNPLEASANT + ENTITLED," with a fucking propeller beanie spinning around on his frumpy little head. He's not even funny like Markus, or wrong-footed ambitious like Markus, or weird-looking and funny and froggy like Markus. He doesn't even have the Farrah-feathered locks of Markus. I miss Markus. ["Fired." -- Sars] Brent squeaks his lies at the camera, full of flaccid and undirected rage, simply surrounded by a confederacy of dunces: "It didn't really bother high school, oftentimes I was the last one chosen. I wasn't bothered then, and quite frankly it didn't bother"

Time for the Trump awkward segue of the week, starting at "Aviation is so cool" and ending at "Each team will have a Goodyear blimp to advertise Sam's Club," via "I often leave my giant veiny airplane tumescing at the end of any damn runway I please, and that's also advertising, because it has my name written on it." He then ascertains that they all know what Sam's Club is, and then explains what Sam's Club is. The task: Sell as many memberships as possible, either new members or upgrading current cardholders, and the team selling the most memberships wins.

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