Apprentice
Sweet & Lowdown

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Miss Alli: B- | Grade It Now!
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Degradation with a crisp candy shell

The next morning, for some reason, we drift down a chandelier to the Rhonaphone, which is answered, again, by Kelly. He's informed that the team should meet Trump at 8:30 in the "residential lobby" of Trump International Hotel and Tower, near the Trump Water Fountain, between the Trump Plants, over by the Trump Elevator, three doors down from the Trump Men's Room. We have the sublime pleasure of watching Sandy apply eyeliner and Kelly brush his teeth. Jen puts on makeup, Kevin gets dressed, and Kelly ties his shoes. I don't know about you, but I've got a bad case of Personal Grooming Fever -- Catch It!

We move over to the hotel, where pink-tied Trump is asking Tom the Hotel Guy how things are going for him. Tom the Hotel Guy is proud to report that Trump International is "the most successful hotel in New York City." They can say things like that, because asterisks are silent. Trump proclaims himself "happy." Outside, the candidates approach. When they get inside, Trump sends them in to wait in a little seating area. Apparently, he's not done powwowing with Tom the Hotel Guy, and he can barely be bothered with his stupid TV suck-ups right now. But when he gets done with Tom, he finally finds a few minutes to come and talk to them. Trump tells them that they're in his great hotel, which is "the hottest hotel in the city" (no air conditioning -- rimshot!). Anyway, he gives a speech about how he likes to create things that are of the highest quality, which brings us, through the awkward segue logic that only writers of patter can appreciate, to candy. You see the connection, right? Hotels...candy. Hotels...candy. Anyway, Trump mentions his own sweet tooth, and then says that they'll be working with M&M Mars, which does five billion blah blah blah chocolate pimples orgasm yippety-do. Trump says that the candidates will be creating a new bar, called the M-Azing Bar. He doesn't really mean "creating," except in the sense that tomorrow morning I will "create" a new bowl of cereal, but there's no time to get tied up in details. The teams will each set up their own assembly line, and they'll make bars that will be inspected for quality. The ones that pass inspection, they'll sell themselves, and whoever makes the most profit selling their bars will win. The other team will be in the Boardroom, and somebody will be fired -- but not Kelly, because he's exempt as a result of "CHECK THE BOX!" and its overpowering star quality. Ivana is going to be the Apex PM. Who's going to be the Mosaic PM? Well, Jen and Sandy haven't decided yet, but it appears that this is the part where they have to. There is hemming and hawing, and what do you know? It's not Jen. Funny how that keeps happening. And...just take a moment to observe this tableau. When the season started, who would have dreamed that in the very last team task, the two PMs would be Sandy and Ivana? Can you imagine how the other bootees feel? It's like losing in the early rounds of a chess tournament that's eventually won by Jessica Simpson.

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Apprentice

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