The Butt Stops Here

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B+ | Grade It Now!
Bitchy,'s not an easy choice

"Never Lose Your Cool," says this week's black-and-white motto, as Trump explains that temper tantrums are only acceptable if you do them intentionally for motivational reasons. Or if they're directed at your divorce lawyer. Or someone else's divorce lawyer. And what is he doing while giving this speech about not losing your cool? Well, he's...promoting his book. Not sure I see the tie-in there or understand why we're seeing this, unless the "tie-in" is Trump standing over the shoulder of post-production going, "Make sure you get some pictures of my book launch in there."

The sound of horns takes us back to Apex, where Kevin and Jen are in the back of a car, talking about the possibility of including some artistic pictures. When the team shows up at the photo studio, Kevin says their goal was to "get organized." He explains next that because they wanted to make consumers feel comfortable, they decided that they wouldn't use models to show the jeans. They would use normal, regular-looking people, like himself and Jen. Oh, come on. I'm supposed to be able to identify with Jen? Yeah, actually, I don't think so. Kevin is the first to have his picture taken. He claims that the team is "a diverse group of people" with "different body types." Different body types? What is he talking about? Has he lost his ever-lovin' mind? He and Kelly are both buff guys. Jen and Ivana are both teeny girls. In case he hasn't noticed, neither of those types are really in particularly short supply in your average catalog as it is. The buff guys and teeny girls are covered. Think "scrawny" for the guys, Kevin. Think "girls with big hips." (Come to think of it, I think Kevin should think "girls with big hips" all the time, but...that's different, so never mind.) One funny thing about this sequence is that they're using music that's supposed to sound like "Everyday People" but is not actually "Everyday People." Ah, the vagaries of music licensing.

As the shots are taken, Ivana explains to us that the first priority with jeans is always asses, so they concentrated on lots and lots of ass shots. Go, ass shots! And then there is a whole little ripple of activity and a tinkly musical flourish when Jen, all hookered-up with extra makeup and big hair so that she looks as much like a model and as little like a regular person as possible, strolls out, to the hoots of, in particular, Kelly. He says "atcha-cha" in this kind of skeevy way that he thinks will make it look less like his eyeballs just went "zoing" out of his head when she walked in, because he was just kidding. He goes on to explain to us that Jen is "rolling around on the mat" as if she's experienced in modeling. And indeed, I wouldn't be surprised if she is. Ivana, who is not very appealing but is beginning to at least show the ability to be endearingly bitchy at isolated moments, says that Jen makes a perfect model, because she's...and then Ivana makes a curtain-drawing gesture across her face, indicating that Jen is a great model because there's nothing there to interfere with a nice, blank presentation. And I kind of agree. Unfortunately, Ivana loses all the points she has accumulated up to this point by saying that a great model is someone who can "act at the drop of a pin." Sigh. One cliché at a time, princess. Don't hurt yourself. Kevin refers to a particular shot of Jen from over the shoulder as the "money shot." I'm done with that segment, thanks.

Over at Mosaic, Wes is directing the photo shoot, using plain old models rather than authentic Mosaic asses. Don't miss the shot of the naked girl changing her shirt in the background; I'm sure they're not missing it. Unfortunately, as Wes explains, he has no idea what he's doing. And that leaves him wide open to the arrival of Maria, who swings into the room like she owns it and starts giving orders. "I need for her bra not to show," Maria says with disgust at one point. Someone says they thought that looked kind of okay, but Maria insists it's "distracting." In an interview, Maria complains that no one was taking charge of the situation, so...guess what? She did. Wes deadpans in an interview, "When Maria flew into the studio on her broomstick, the whole attitude of the room changed." Hee. As Andy tries not to laugh at Maria's antics, flight...Wes voices over that Maria thought nobody else was competent to run the show. Maria tells the photographer that they're going to do "bitchy." And she's running her hand over her own hair with her hand on her hip, kind of demonstrating. As the models pose, Maria tells them, "Bitchy, bitchy, bitchy, though." I'm not sure "bitchy" is a really helpful instruction for models, although not being one, I can't speak to it with any confidence. She then instructs them to employ as much "butt attitude" as possible. Whatever "butt attitude" is. Again, maybe that makes sense to models. Andy laughs, as does a guy I think is one of the production guys on the photo shoot. Maria insists in an interview that she understood the importance of good butt shots. Butt shots! Butt shots! Let's say it some more!

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