The Final Four

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | Grade It Now!
Lesson Thirteen: Stinky Bums Are Definitely Funny

Which it is, but not because of Nicole: it's because this particular episode is nuts. It's the only episode this season that felt much like The Apprentice, which made me kinda misty, but: the task is violently lame, and the conclusion is nonexistent. Even The Hair is outshone by Don Jr.'s horrific coif. Going into the LIVE FINALE should be totally fucking exciting, but the end of the episode is like... not even a whimper. It ends with a whuuuuh. I wanted the last recapped Apprentice ever to rock out so hardcore that your eyes would bleed, but... it's Arrow. That was never going to happen, I guess. Anyway, previously, Trump finally came to his senses and dropped that whole Tent City moronathon conceit, and the Final Six became three teams, from which Kinetic was finally purged for good. As he tells us, Heidi and Kristine's "terrible performances" meant they had to go; as we saw with our own fucking eyes, despite Satan's entire crew of story editors, this wasn't remotely the case. Some other things that didn't so much happen at all were: Trump's even, considered, mature tone telling Kristine one thousand times that she was fired; the pants-pissing fit she threw in response; the suicidal ideation in which she engaged once he'd finally defeated her with his superior intellect and authoritative air. God, I hate this fuckin' show.

Back home, James interviews how he's so proud of himself (of course) and Stefani (of course), and also Frankie and Nicole. In the way that you're proud of a dog for figuring out there's no mouse. Stefani's in the kitchen celebrating that the Final Four are all Arrow, and I think Nicole took her "I'm With Kinetic Now" thing even further than we saw, because Stefani looks at her and sweetly/firmly tells Nicole to shut it: "We're all Arrow, I don't care what you say." That's so mommish and awesome: "I love you, dickwad." Nicole smiles kind of tenderly and ducks her head. "We're all Arrow." All of this makes me very happy. I mean, I still hate Arrow, but you know what I mean. That's cool. Nicole tells James and Stefani how she's "surprised" they did so well, then yanks her foot back out of her mouth while the three of them chat.

Out of a primordial darkness, creatures prowl, skulking behind walls of the Arrow Mansion, scratching and breathing hotly, hungry. At the smallest touch of a gilt candelabra, a secret passageway is revealed. A gold-framed portrait of your momma slides soundlessly out, away. Creatures come edging out slowly into the light. But what are they? What blind and bloody dawn birthed these shambling monstrosities? What unlucky sun will reveal them? Ah! It is the dread Trump, and his son! From out of the nameless terrors that haunt all McMansions, they come, slumping; with toad-set jaw and palpating mouth, with hair like sweating moss, with eyes like the moon on unholy stones, they come. Into the forty-five-watt glow of temporary and meaningless victory, they come. They come!

Stefani's like, "I loved the Vegas task because I don't give an eff about the creepy executives shadowing us, I just want to talk to Trump -- and on the Vegas task, the creepy executives shadowing us were the Trumps!" A moment of silence and then, "I WANT MY GOLDEN ARM!" the Trumps scream, jumping out into the kitchen and Stefani and Frankie scream, because the call is coming from inside the house, and finally Nicole pulls everybody together. "I'm afraid we don't have your golden arm, Mr. Trump, but would you like some dinner? I'll make you some dinner. We got Hungry Man, Cheetos, we got that cheese you squirt out of the can, I've been drinking Red Bull & Vodkas, Frank actually left some chips around here somewhere. You like hotdogs? We got a microwave. Oh! I could make Frito Pie! Do you know what that is?" Don's hair is like: "I am 35% Frito Pie and 15% wheat glutens." Trump tells them all how awesome they are and gives Frank props for making Heidi look stupid, which really helped with Trump's plan to make Heidi look stupid. Nicole laughs about how Frank, like herpes, doesn't go away no matter what Trump throws at him; again, it's a lot like she's saying something insulting while not actually trying to do so. The task is to repeat a previous task, basically, making the Lexus task the official Final Task of this season, even though it took place weeks ago. They have to make a 60-second commercial for [some room deodorizing agent], just like the scrubbing bubbles task. (The real Kinetic would be like: "Odors... of a whorehouse!" and then Muna would cry.) Trump talks for one billion years about how there's "no loser" here, because they're all winners, and OMG if he actually hires two Apprenti this year I'm calling Rebecca and Randal both, and we're taking his rich ass out once and for all.

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