The Final Four

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | Grade It Now!
Lesson Thirteen: Stinky Bums Are Definitely Funny

Now, he threatens, there's going to be something different. Isn't that so scary? Because the show and this season have been so consistent up to this point? Like how he constantly lies about what's going to happen and then five people randomly get fired, or like last week, or this shit right here with this being the final task. He tells them to go to the mansion and pack: "Your bags and gear and dresses and clothing." (Sometimes I love him.) Then... they go home. He won't see the four of them again until "next week," which for us really is "next week," where in front of a live audience he will humiliate them and dick around for an hour, without even... there won't be task footage. No rained-out cliffhanger, nothing. Just Trump, live, in front of all two people still watching this show. Doing whatever the fuck he wants. For an hour.

The show kind of queasily reverses all the storylines it busily set up over the last forty minutes as the candidates wave to the sweetly smiling Ivanka and take off, hugging and squealing and picking each other up off the ground and doing all that Arrow stuff they do. Frank says "What a feeling" approximately six times. Stefani packs one hundred bags and Frank, itchy and excited, gads around bugging her about it. "How much clothes do you have?!" She's like, "Yes, Frankie. I've got a lot of clothes." It's adorable. He's like literally hopping from foot to foot while everybody else is getting it together. "How much clothes do you have?" I couldn't make that shit up.

James interviews something boring about how this is sad, but also awesome, but also he had fun, but also it was hard, but also it was super easy, but also he made friends, but also he threw them under busses, but also one hundred and twenty-two clichés. Stefani gets all high-maintenance about needing some help with her bags, and they all careen out back into the real world, and pile into their separate black SUVs, and kiss and hug and blow kisses and wave, still with minds blown that the Final Four are all from Arrow. It's just a symptom, it's not their fault. This show is so effin' over.

But when did it happen? Help me here. So last year was who? Sean? And the year before that was Randal. Let's start there. Toral was kind of a freak show, and Markus was... not outwith the realm of possibility. You've met guys like that. He's not as unbelievable as the majority of the candidates this season, for example. Think HARD about that. Who else... Clay, but he was viable too. Alla? Alla might be a clue. She dressed like Flash Gordon most of the time, had a checkered black-widow stripper past, and used the powers of mind control on her teammates. Perhaps she broke the show. Without Alla, would we have gotten to know my dear Andrea? Or fucking Lenny? Or the crowning glory of this show, Brent Michael Buckman? Because one Omarosa is okay, and an Omarosa combined with an Ivana is still barely crazy, and even that I AM NOT GAY dude, the cute chubby blonde one, that was fine. And that girl who got thrown off for using a Magic Eight Ball to consult with the occult? That's... a little questionable, actually. That was before my time but I remember that episode. And Omarosa was on the first season, so... where did this idea come from that the show had that much shark to even jump? I want All-Stars. That's the only thing that will fix this show. And not Crazy Ass All-Stars, either, I mean legitimate contenders for the title of The Apprentice, meeting on a serious playing field, and bringing their game. I'm talking Charmaine, Rebecca, Roxanne, Allie, Andrea, Kristine, Tarek, Heidi, Alla, Wee Brian, Josh, Chris V., Dan, Tim. You know? Or whoever you want, I'm sure you hate most of those people and think I'm an idiot for naming them off the top of my head. I'm just saying this capricious and bizarre -- and increasingly unenjoyable -- game always goes to somebody I don't really care about one way or the other. Wouldn't it be fun to watch this show if it had a point?

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