Apprentice
The Final Four

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Lesson Thirteen: Stinky Bums Are Definitely Funny

Stefani rocks out with the actors and timelines and all the Stefani stuff; she interviews that this is so totally superteam because they're both doing what they're best at, and she's right: Stefani's doing everything, and James is talking about how great he is. Two areas of expertise. And James will beat her, if there's really only one Apprentice, because that's the one skill that trumps all the others, on this show. She arranges actors, lunches, all things, with a wave of her hand. Angela interviews that Stefani is a magical being who bleeds Outlook, and who juggles all "thousand" deadlines as though it were nothing: "She's on it." Angela notes how Stefani can see "the whole picture" while dealing magnificently with all the parts of that picture -- she's a "dark horse" and virtually unknown by the people of earth, but she is finally shining. James interviews about how awesome he is, and how creative he is, and how much he needs people to understand how awesome he is. He's like, "I know ZERO about directing commercials! And yet I am awesome! And so CREATIVE!" OMG James you're not creative. It's not even the brass ring you should be reaching for, because it has zero capital behind it with this show. And yet it's this weird thing he keeps trying to push down your throat, how he's this creative genius who can't even stop himself. It wouldn't be so weird except how he seems like he's always on about it. Stefani, for the eightieth time today, uses her teacher voice and gets everybody moving; Aaron gives his usual wide-eyed cult-susceptible Bambi talk about how no team has ever in the history of teamsmanship gelled quite so wonderfully as the team he's currently on, and wonders how Frank and Nicole can possibly survive.

We watch Frank directing actors for a million minutes and then he interviews about how their commercial is about a "professional woman" who is called to the hospital to see her son, who injured his ankle, and then she produces a fresh scent in the hospital. The kid's got a football in his lap and she's all, "I wanna do everything I can to make you feel at home!" The kid's like 22, making it even janker. Also: if your target audience is women who enjoy the thought of getting the call that their child is in the hospital, you're Turning Gold. Frank then ushers over this hot half-naked guy and calls him "you smelly boy," and for a second I think that things just got gay(er), but no, Frank explains: he didn't want the morbid hospital scene to be morbid, so he added something unfunny that would make it funny: "And stinky bums are definitely funny!" Can I take just a moment? Stinky Bums Are Always Funny. First of all: the hell? And second of all: okay, there's so much going on here I don't even know what to say. Did you know that homeless people are people? Some of them have grad degrees? And did you know that your entire team whined like bitches about having to live outside for three days at a stretch? With food and beer and tents and showers? This is like watching the show eat its own flesh, it's so gross. Homelessness? Not funny. That kind of unthinking classist bullshit? Not funny. And the fact that the defining characteristic of the homeless man is that he smells bad? That's poverty that you're smelling. Hilarious. You know what smells even worse about homeless people? The fact that people like Frank laugh at them, when they deign to notice them at all. The fact that it's possible for a human being's standards for survival to get bent so low that they can even contemplate sleeping with their heads on cold concrete. The fact that they were little kids once with moms, and a crush on a teacher, and there were certain colors of crayon they didn't like to play with, and they woke up excited on Christmas morning, and then one day their dreams died. If they hadn't lost the ability to dream altogether. Or is it the hilarious mental illness, that sudden pop of a schizophrenic break that murders one person and creates a new, broken creature inside them, to whom the world no longer makes sense? Funny, no? Or maybe it's the absolute failure of the American dream that you're smelling? Is it the fact that we all conspired to get them on the streets and keep them there, out of our own selfishness and sickening greed? That when it comes down to it we don't really care about the lot of other people in life, as long as we're okay? I'm not saying you should go out and adopt a homeless and buy a Prius, I'm just saying: could you not point and laugh? Could you possibly avoid doing that? Jesus Christ, this show is horrible. And they didn't even have to monkey with that! That's just how gross Frank is!

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Apprentice

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