Apprentice
The Final Showdown

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Jacob Clifton: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Lesson Twelve: The Customer Is Always "Right"

Robin sends in the teams -- Trump: "WHAT A GROUP OF KILLERS!" -- and Josh looks even better than before, although Chris looks a little worse. He's got a recurrent doughiness happening that -- remember Chris from Season Three? Like that. The difference? Season Three Chris was probably not a homosexual. Toral's just as pretty, with her inner grossness clearly intact, Mark and James are still incredibly sweet guys who don't matter at all, and lovely Marshawn blinks in and out of existence like a quantum particle. Rebecca's team is Capital Edge: that's Chris, James, and Toral. Randal is the new Excel: Marshawn, Josh, and Mark.

Trump congratulates them on their "choice of people," calling it somewhat "controversial," and asks Toral whether she's surprised to have been called back up. I can't fault her answer, because it's a good one, although my assumption is that it's coming from an uglier place than it would be if somebody else said it: "Rebecca recognizes talent, sir." He asks what she thinks of her defender and eventual betrayer, and she calls herself "a huge fan," and says that Rebecca is "possibly" a great addition to the Trumpanies. He asks whether she's going to fight really hard for Rebecca, and she says "tooth and nail," and it's funny because you immediately go to unless I break a nail, right, but then I think about her breaking a tooth, like, gnawing on something, and that's funny. He explains that Toral should be fighting for Rebecca harder than any other, considering Rebecca nearly smacked the Donald with a peg leg for her, and yeah, Toral giggles, but he's somehow missed the part of the story where Toral's missing both gratitude and decency, because those come with a soul, and she doesn't have one of those, just cold milkshake blood, pumped by a muscle called "arrogance." Randal tells Trump that he looks at his team and sees three individuals that he trusts, and who will work their tails off for him. Well, one of them will work. The other two will drink mai tais and watch Mark working until he drops dead of exhaustion. But all in good time.

After Jamie Lee's Tiny Penis tells us how fun Monopoly and Operation! are to play with your family during this holiday season, Randal carries Rebecca's stuff out to the fleet of SUV's (they're Escalades, which always makes me laugh because my friend Ali has got me pronouncing it "Esca-laahd," which I find is way classier when you're rolling up with bitches and Dom, as I so often do) and they wish each other luck and are very cool and friendly and polite. Dear Alla: This is why being a grownup is fun! But kind of boring! Randal is very, very cute about how much he's missed his teammates and he's very excited about working with them. And it's funny, because the editing on this show would have you believe that he is excited about working with A) an illiterate hick, B) a lazy chick who gives up at the last second, and C) the male Kristi. But like, we're supposed to have known all along that they were being portrayed as ridiculous stereotypes and that we're supposed to be happy for him. And yeah, we did and we are, but it's still funny to think about.

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Apprentice

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