A. Drop your panties and show off your ass to sell candy?
B. Shake your fat ass in an open bathrobe in the hopes of making people so nervous that they'll do anything to get away from you -- so they can go home and cry?
C. Assume that when your buddies at the factory get you drunk, and then make you demonstrate your janitorial duties while drunk, and then make you dance with a prostitute so that you get a hilarious erection, and then send you out for a left-handed newspaper and ditch you altogether, and then later on mug you and steal your cash and leave you on the street, it's because you're their friend?
D. Take it as a sign that you're a fantastic team member-slash-thought leader when the other girls knock you down in the shower and throw tampons in your face, screaming, "Plug it up! Plug it up!"
E. Believe in your heart of hearts that ending up ass-to-ass on a double-headed sex toy with another girl while fat men laugh and throw money and yell, "Come! Come! Come!" is just the next inevitable step in your journey to fulfillment?
F. Put the Brit on a megaphone and demonstrate the class, usefulness, and aspirational value of the product by looking as sexy and put together as possible?
Answer Key: If you answered ...
A, you are an "Ivana." I used to like you, but you got ahead of yourself disastrously.
B, you are a "Brent." Please get off my fucking television.
C, you are a "Charlie Gordon," and you need to understand that those people aren't your friends. I'll put a flower on Algernon's grave for you.
D, you are a "Carrie White." Don't let the Greatest American Hero take you to the prom, because all he cares about is Amy Irving, not text messages. Pig's blood looms large in your future.
E, you are a "Marion Silver." Even the Kronos Quartet thinks you're an asshole, and they have the balls to call themselves the "Kronos Quartet." Also: date Jared Leto, you get what's coming to you. Gross.
F, you might just deserve to be the next Apprentice -- it's fair to say you might just be an "Ivanka Trump" -- but I don't see you competing anywhere on this show.
Bottom line: If you don't vote for yourself, first and last and any time you can, you don't deserve to win. Anything.
Into the Boardroom for the task results. Ivanka calls the teams, I think Synergy specifically, a "very interesting group of people," "a lot of fun," and "a very impressive group," none of which are lies exactly. Gold Rush is deemed by Bill to be "very smart and very impressive," which is also true. Gold Rush came up with 683 texts, which sounds like a lot to both Trump and yours truly. Bill says that Synergy got "a late start" and never really "found a location," and ended up with 458. Gold Rush cheers as Bill clarifies that this means Synergy lost by "almost a 50% margin," and notes that this is a "pretty rough beating." Trump tells Pepi he's going to be going home, indirectly: "It's easier for me when a team loses so badly." Pepi knows his time is up, and he and Andrea make sad faces. Gold Rush's reward is to "work with a non-profit" to give disadvantaged men clothes and stuff. That's awesome. The team is pretty happy about it, because who doesn't love dress-up. Trump says they'll be fitting three guy for suits and helping them pick out ties and watches and cufflinks, the whole deal. That actually does sound very fun, if you're into that, which they all are. Trump leads the witness: "It's not the typical reward, where you get a diamond ring or whatever..." and Dan and Tarek fall all over each other to complete the obvious thought: "It's better!" "It's more important, sir!" Synergy is very sad about the upcoming Boardroom.