Apprentice
The Razor's Edge

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Jacob Clifton: B+ | Grade It Now!
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"You Are Chaos And Disorganization!"

Leslie's hair looks like crazy ass for the rest of the episode. Dan steps forward at the Gold Rush reward and shakes hands with the head of the non-profit, first thing. I really think he's going to do well. The guy introduces them to the concept of John, Robert, and Vaughn, who have had "a little bit of hardship in their lives," and tells them that this exercise is about motivating them to "get back out into the workforce." This is so cool. There's a comparable non-profit for women that gets a lot more attention (and maybe for just a titch bigger reason), but it's a very, very cool concept regardless. I'm glad they both exist. John used to be on Wall Street, but kind of lost his mind after 9/11. It took two years for the downward spiral to fully land him on public assistance. I doubt very much that he's the sole case. Dan works with him and dresses him and is so cute and interviews about the importance of helping these men get to a place where they can "take care of themselves and their families." Robert's been in sales for five years, but "one thing" lead to "another" and out of nowhere he lost his job and now he has no idea what to do. At some point he made the counterintuitive step of growing a soul patch. I'm not unsympathetic, God knows, but I do want to offer what help I can. Lenny tells him he's the "king of the hour," and it's touching. They get all the guys dressed and then they come out looking great and shaking everybody's hands and they all applaud them and it's lovely.

Trump comes in and looks at all of them, and all my happy turns to hate, because you're gonna take these guys with stuff going on that is so bad we don't even know what it is, and then show them Trump? In a post-Oprah world? That's completely uncalled for. He shakes their hands, these men in full and long-term survival mode, smelling like money and like the chance of being saved, and they prevaricate about how Trump is "an icon" and they're now inspired to be just like him, and Trump offers the most that he can, which is: well-wishes and a clap on the back. "I just loved seeing those three young men dressed up. I gave them a hand. Trouble...problems... You know what? They felt like a million bucks! A billion bucks! They just felt good!" But only Trump knows what a billion bucks feels like, because only Trump has a billion bucks. It's not his responsibility to give these guys any money or jobs or anything, I don't personally think he owes them anything in particular, but I think it's singularly tacky showing up like that when he knows full well that he's a media icon of sorts, that he's bigger than he seems. I hope somebody took them aside beforehand and said, "Don't get excited, he's not going to give you anything," but even if they did, you'd still kind of think it, wouldn't you? Like if you showed up to Oprah the day after one of those times she goes crazy with the giveaways, cars and crepes and dental surgery for your impacted roots and sleigh beds and split-level houses and fabulous vacations and unwanted children or whatever, all of these things under your chair in the studio audience, and then she was like, "Oh, um, here's a copy of A Million Little Pieces and a Starbucks card," you'd feel kind of fucked, I think. My favorite part of American Psycho is when Patrick and the guys light hundred-dollar bills on fire and wave them under the noses of the homeless. I think about that and laugh at least once a week, but it's only funny because it's a satire and a piece of fiction and it's a brilliant objective correlative on the mental place those characters are in. Turns out it's a lot less fucking funny in real life. "Enjoy your bespoke suits, and remember: hang them up in your cardboard boxes, fellas. You can't steam them flat if you don't own a bathroom. I have to go dive into my money vault now and swim around in all the money now, so later!"

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Apprentice

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