Apprentice
The Razor's Edge

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Jacob Clifton: B+ | Grade It Now!
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"You Are Chaos And Disorganization!"

Listen up, because I think Trump's having a paradigm shift: "Even though we're outside, people are still getting their work done...by Text Messaging." You can hear the capital letters. We cut through a bunch of suits tapping away on their Sidekicks. Everyone involved smiles indulgently as Trump explains -- in fucking depth -- how text messaging works. He ends the ridiculous speech by admitting that everybody on earth is familiar with the concept, except for him, who has never heard of it before. It's very cute, or maybe I just miss George this week. But also, I can see him not knowing that, because can you imagine him actually doing work? Without a huge oak desk and Miss Universe all slatternly in the corner and a ten-line phone he can pretend to yell at people on? So then we learn about Gillette, who has been making razors for a hundred years, and of course Trump uses them, like every second of the day, and of course Trump loves them, like he's actually married to one. Other things Trump has never heard of: multiple-blade razor "systems," women shaving, or cell phones. He makes a weird, nonsensical "joke" about how men and women can use the five-blade razor "system," but women can only use it on their legs, but not their faces, but maybe their faces, because who knows what women do, or something. As if women exist when you're not looking at them. But then, it's not like you bring your trick to watch you get the Brazil, you know -- although I assume there are cases -- so why should he know anything? His women probably arrive in those dry-cleaner bags. "I had no idea grown women had pubic hair and used text messaging out in the open like that. I have not seen that before. It kind of makes me want to throw up, if I'm being honest." Each team will choose one keyword, so that people can text those to a number, and then receive annoying, stupid messages to their phones all the time about what's going on with Gillette. Whichever team's keyword is texted to Gillette the most times wins.

Showtime, Synergy. Pepi has volunteered as PM and thinks "it's going to be a great task," but I don't know why that would be. It sounds like a shit task. Everything sucky about sales, none of the fun marketing stuff: just harassing people on the street in New York City and asking them to text message somebody they don't care about to get useless updates on a product they don't care about either. Didn't they have a lemonade stand one, once? This is like that, only instead of a lemonade stand, it's a vinegar smell-test. "Which is more irritating a scent?" He asks his team what they think might make people stop, and I think the answer is: outright lying. "Text Gillette and enter this contest." Michael makes the very good point that there are two demographics at play, the ones that use text messaging and the ones that don't, so they have to be smart about location and harassees. Brent tries to tell them all something stupid, but Stacy rudely interrupts him, trying to finish the sentence she was in the middle of when he had his brilliant fucking brainstorm. What a bitch. The team attempts to discuss the task, and Brent continues to yell about "I have a couple of ideas, I have a couple of ideas," but doesn't have the basics necessary to wait for an opening and just say them. Basic reading-the-room skills kind of come with the territory. Stacy interviews us that she "can't imagine how somebody gets anywhere with zero skills, zero ability to make a decision, and who constantly has to be the center of attention." I cannot disagree with any of that. All we've seen from Brent is a real willingness to tell us, and the team, over and over how awesome he is without backing it up at all, because how could he find the time to do that, when he's so busy telling us what he's going to tell us one day that is so amazing? Everybody's getting annoyed, and yeah, he has a point that they're ignoring him, but they're ignoring him because he's not saying anything, and he's not playing by the rules, so it's kind of a zero sum.

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Apprentice

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