As Western civilization nears its implosion, we are faced with yet another test. What does it mean to be a Celebrity Apprentice All-Star? My assumption is that these celebrities or quasi-celebrities stood out on their respective seasons of Celebrity Apprentice, a paradox in itself, so much that we have to see them again. Two hours (or more) a week, we need to see these celebrities try to master basic, real-world functions like cooperation, to remind ourselves that celebrities are just like us --awful.
The worst and most shameless of celebrities is their great leader, Donald Trump. He offers a hefty sum of money available to charities, regardless of how real they are, and a second (now third) shot at fame for these fourteen returning celebrities. All-Stars seasons are quickly losing meaning in our reality TV lexicon, but this show offers what few others do. This time, they are truly all stars. Stars who have never had to lift a finger or be questioned since their last time playing Celebrity Apprentice.
Oh, and record scratch, Bret Michaels is allowed to play again? He won his season, so he can get back on the Rock of Love Bus he rode in on. Other returning players include Dennis Rodman, Lisa Rinna, Claudia Jordan, Penn Jillette, Trace Adkins, Brande Roderick, Lil Jon, Omarosa, Stephen Baldwin, Dee Snider, Marilu Henner, and La Toya Jackson. Let's face it, though, this season is going to be all about Gary Busey and how impossible he is because a part of his brain has rotted away. And Omarosa? Do celebrities who are only famous from being on the original Apprentice count as celebrities? Is she taking the Real Housewife spot? How many times does Omarosa have to lose this show?
Let's get to the sandwich-making challenge already. We know it's coming. Let's just make dumb and terrible sandwiches, raise an obscene amount of money, and watch 45 minutes of Donald Trump talking about what makes this show great in the board room.
But first, everyone talks about their unfinished business. Everyone has something to prove, except winner Bret Michaels. They meet in the Metropolitan Museum of Art, having emerged from various crags and columns in the building. Donald Trump shows off his signature style of asking a question, then interrupting the person responding. That's how you get ahead and make those millions.
Trump tells Bret Michaels that it was a stupid move to return to Celebrity Apprentice, but Bret has a whole line of pet products at PetSmart to push. If these poorly-made dog toys don't tell us that pets rock, who will? Also, diabetes. I will be talking about the Bret Michaels Pets Rock line for PetSmart for as long as he lasts on this show.