There's No "I" In Team

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B | Grade It Now!
Lesson Two: Leave It On The Playground

Randal dresses and flies off to his grandmother's funeral. Josh -- whose awesomeness, it would seem, is mostly located in his glasses, which some kind of coolness Delilah has taken away, because now he just looks like a pudgy blonde that should have his own sitcom where his wife is hot -- hugs him goodbye and he gets on the chopper, noting that (as though they have options) the team is being very supportive. We accompany him to the church, and watch him go inside, then we go to the gravesite and watch them put her in the ground. Why? He tells us he will be inspired by her memory, and there are lots of shots of him looking sad. This is so fucking cheap. I hope you love Randal, you guys, because he's going to be in the final.

Capital Edge is the first team to show their campaign, and…boy howdy. They file in, all wearing black, as the music goes paramilitary. They stand in a row, four on the left and four on the right, facing inwards, and then one by one they snap their heads toward the judges like a drill team number. As totally queer as it sounds, it's vastly worse to actually watch, because they all have vastly different accents and give their one-word lines in vastly different weird ways. Alla goes, "Power," and she sounds like a madam who smokes all day. Kristi, with her very heavy Dawsonville GA accent, says, "Envy," and it sounds like she's spelling "E-N-V" and has three syllables. Jen W. (I think) says, "Prestige," kind of hysterically, and also with a slightly southern accent. Felisha says, "Decadence," somewhat decadently and a little creepy. Rebecca says, "Adrenaline," and hers is the best reading -- she says it intensely, like she's giving you an order in German, but with the all-black clothing and everything it comes closest to the point, which I would think would be: not sending you into howls of laughter. Toral's nostrils flare as she emotes, "Passion," and it's somewhat passionate, the way she says this, but also like she's informing you of terrible news or threatening your life. Marshawn says, "Ego-Driven," and of course she sells it really well because she's a public speaking person, but it doesn't really matter because of the total Whiskey Tango Foxtrot of that phrase. Last is my lovely Jen M., who spits out "Lamborghini" like an insane person, like she's either about to start laughing, or start crying, or like she's just livid at you and that word is a filthy curse, or like she's one of those pissy schizophrenics that comes off rude all the time. I watched this single second of this episode maybe fifty times, and I'm going to go watch it again right now. Hang on. Hee! "Lamborghini, motherfucker." HA! She's so awesome. They play the commercial, and it's cheap-looking but cool in terms of the copy and concept, which is what's important. "Are you in…CONTROL?" "Are you…WORTHY?" The judges are loving it. "Are you…INTIMIDATED?" "Do you need permission?" And then, under the logo: "Prove It." I love that. The judges clap.

What's Your Automotive Personality Type?

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