Apprentice
Apprentice

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | 647 USERS: B-
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Lesson One: Jump That Shark Like You Mean It

Frank is worried and stupid some more, and also there's still the immortally retarded Boardroom to get through, and they go off to their respective places. Heidi holds the door open for her team, and they giggle and give each other high fives. Derek squeezes her shoulder and continues to applaud until he remembers to stop. Inside it's aggressively IKEA but Derek, because he is a nice guy, obliges with the whole "the place is just amazing" soundbites about the "great furniture" and the "great artwork." Everybody walks around oohing and ahhing at the IKEA furniture, and Heidi explains (this is great) that being a "Have" means "you get to have things." Later on Frank explains the accompanying corollary to that admittedly confusing concept, which is that "Have Nots" do not "have" things like the "Haves" do, but it's less funny when he says it, because he is a pisher. Kristine heads straight for the champagne while Aimee checks out the fridge and Derek goes looking for the closet, meaning all three of them are on Team Jacob, and everybody runs around with their shoes off and their priorities showing. They find the bedroom, singular, in which nine IKEA brown beds are arranged in a circle, like the creepiest summer camp cult on earth. Team Heidi collectively experiences its first disappointment in life; Heidi points out that at least they're not outside, and the group hug begins once more, rising like a polite and courteous phoenix from the flames.

Speaking of outside. Aaron is putting up another tent, James is pissed, and when Tim hears the Haves yelling about their champagne, he and Aaron giggle about the horror of life. It's very cute. Frank is disgusted and angry. Michelle -- speaking as though Dracula is standing behind you -- notes: "This is our bathroom." Frank talks about how he doesn't like to lose. Frank, you lose at talking. "I'm not a loser. In business, you always have to win. If you don't, you know, you lose." GET OUT! I hate him. Nicole cries. The sun sets, and we learn that in Tent City, at night there is night vision. That is most excellent. Carey freaks out in the darkness of the shower and somebody hands him a flashlight. Stefani regrettably compares the sinks not draining to being in the third world. Everybody digs down to what they think is a deeper place, and commit to winning at any cost. I don't think it's going to work. We'll see.

Apprentice

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