This Show Is Going To Be Cracked-Out Shark-Jumping Awesome: Exhibit C

Segue to awful paper plates and plasticware and the taste of broken dreams. Michelle points out, with her striking face all in an uproar, about how they didn't know what they were doing, and Martin agrees, asking Tim to talk more about the price point issue. I normally don't support sneakiness and creepiness, but you know what, I would be so happy if the whole team could meet behind Frank's back and bitch about him, and not because that is funny and I am a bully, but in fact because then Frank wouldn't be there to scream. Martin interviews another motherfucking Nigerian saying: "Seize every opportunity as if it was your last," he says. How does this man live on a day-to-day basis? A Quaker would punch him, that's how horrible he is. There's a Scottish saying in my family that goes, "The best-laid plans of Mice and Men; Shut ye the fuck up, Martin."

AWESOME LIE:

Martin gives a fabulous interview, all about how he manipulated the team and "put the focus on Frank." Martin pats himself on his assface back about how he "can handle the psychology of the group" and that now Frank is, "in the back of his head," in "a dark place," and that if he can "pull this off" he will be the greatest Apprentice ever.

EVEN MORE AWESOME TRUTH:

I submit to you that this season is awesome, because what actually happened, we see, was that Martin got piss drunk and convinced himself that he was manipulating the group, when in fact he was making vague, weird statements and then giving a lot of eyebrow while making this noise: Eh? Ehhh?

In the morning there is much spitting and little celerity in the City of Angry Tents. The sinks still do not go down. Meanwhile, Team Heidi is giving each other valid criticism and helpful household hints, and singing hymns of their own devising. Heidi notes that her viceroy duty is a reward for their team, and she will have to use it to their advantage in whatever way she can. Everyone congratulates her on this point and then they pull out their mud masks and Secret Santa gifts. Because in Team Heidi, Secret Santa Day is every day.