Melania comes out to meet him with the baby. I'm sure she's a nice lady, but: she is also a Zsa Zsa Gabor drag queen slash robot. I'm totally all about female drag queens like this, robots too, and I think it's amazing and very conceptual to go all crazy on your own gender like that. However, you have to watch out for -- and I have run into this personally, and I do believe it's what's happening here -- something I call your Gender Viet Nam, which in Melania's case means you end up married to Donald Trump. You have got to have an exit strategy or this could happen to you, too. He kisses her and the baby sweetly, and then starts screaming into the camera again about all the things he just screamed into the camera about. While he is doing this, Melania stares into the camera with a darkness in her. I have fucked up my gender performance art, her eyes are saying. My personal Gender Saigon has fallen to the white man. Please help me. You will not help me? Will no one help me? Then you all will burn. That is what her face is saying.

Who will succeed? Who will fail? And who will be? THE APPRENTICE!? The credits are the same with the pretty fisheye stuff, and a bit of wonderful Ivanka, but there are some sucky additions: Trump going "You're fired!" a few times awkwardly in the mix, and lots of that sweet, sweet undernourished California ass.

Team Kinetic, or what we are this week calling "Heidi's team," is made up of Muna, Kristine, Derek, Marisa, Angela, Surya, Jenn, and Aimee. Team "Arrow," headed for now by the odious Frank, includes Nicole, Michelle, James, Carey, Tim, Martin, Aaron, and Stefani. Team Trump LA includes the Donald, Ivanka, a doorman named, I think, Otto who seems to hail from somewhere in Europia, more Melania than is appropriate... and that's it. No Carolyn, no George, no Rosie, no Martha. It's a family affair. I'm sure fuckin' Bill will show up at some point, or that boring man who also won that time. Or whoever won last year. That British person with the face. I wonder if he will show up. Gross. ["Thanks a lot, a-hole. I thought I'd forgotten him." -- Joe R] In the meantime, it's shocking how likeable I find almost all the candidates. There are a few who have me pretty worried, and at least two that I wish to punch in the dick, but the electability average here is much higher than I remember it usually being.