To Have And Have Not

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | Grade It Now!
Lesson One: Jump That Shark Like You Mean It

Frank grabs Aaron and runs off like a kid with a hobbyhorse in the middle of Carey's asking, one last time, what the prices should be for the upsales, but Frank's already gone. Tim and Carey share a moment of fear and foxhole bonding, and then immediately man up and take over. It's beautiful and this was when I decided to back these ponies in particular. I think there's a snakiness in Tim, but let us never forget my abiding love for Hateful Jim: snakiness is not a dealbreaker. Tim corrals everybody, and they have an actual short meeting to discuss the task. Tim interviews that he had to "fill the void" when Frank and Aaron disappeared so suddenly. They come up with the prices, and get ready to work, but then Michelle stupidly calls Frank as though he's their Project Manager, and he screams at her about nothing whatsoever, and then -- awesomely -- she's like, great, I'm putting you on speakerphone. Smooooothly done, Michelle. I liked that a lot. Then he screams at them for a while and everybody rolls their eyes and he tells them to drop the small talk and start working. Which they now can do, because he's gone, and they could actually devote a second to planning. Whatever, I hate Frank so much I can't even see straight. Finally Nicole "agrees" with him and shuts him up, or else just tries to get everybody moving again, and they head off to change. Most of them, I guess. Meanwhile, Frank and Aaron run and run and run. To nowhere. For no reason. Even Frank admits, out of breath, that this is dumb. Tim interviews for us that whatever Frank is off doing, it better be fucking amazing, because they're two men down on a sales force task.

The group hug known as Team Heidi, meanwhile, agrees to everything Heidi says with her pleasant voice, fall into ranks, and get to work, whistling little tunes and buying each other inexpensive, but very thoughtful, gifts. Angela and Heidi make cardboard signs, and at this point in the task Derek pointed out some gay facts. Their car wash is in West Hollywood, which Heidi describes -- stuttering hilariously -- as a "homosexual area." And you can tell immediately that her mental rolodex fell off its spinner about halfway through the sentence, because its Derrida-esque complications and politics and implications and internal tensions threaten to rip it apart on the page or whatever, but what's the problem? It's a homosexual area. In the webisode, there are two main things about Derek, in which he is slightly more alert and active and interesting, and the way this show is edited, the way that Derek does nothing and says nothing in this episode -- rather than implying that he is a boring or dull person -- somehow makes it seem as though he's in fact tremendously entertaining in some kind of unacceptable way, or that he's going to freak out or something. The Iron Curtain between us and any identifiable personality makes it seem like on the other side of the wall, there is a crazy nonstop carnival where every day is an adventure. Contrast with Aaron, whose hotness demands screentime, and yet he doesn't manage to do anything with it whatsoever. So from the webisode it's clear that the go-go boys were his idea, and in fact, the first half of the adorable webisode is Derek and other teammates running around West Hollywood, tracking down hottie after go-go boy after lithe meth addict, and asking for a few minutes of their time, and if they like taking off their clothes. Or, as I call it, "Just another Tuesday."

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