To Have And Have Not

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | Grade It Now!
Lesson One: Jump That Shark Like You Mean It

Helpful Quiz: Do you exhibit any of the following symptoms?

1. Did you get beat up a lot as a kid for reasons that remain a mystery?
2. A sluggish and unhealthful metabolism which causes you to tire easily? Possibly due to your physiology being markedly different from most other people's? Even though this diagnosis has been confirmed by no medical professionals?
3. No concept of "work," "effort," "ethos," or "what getting on everybody's tit is like"?
4. Are you correct... all the time? About things nobody asked you about?
5. Do you sometimes feel as though your superego has been injected with a sleep agent and possibly murdered by persons unknown?
6. Are you married even though you are gayer than the month of May?
7. Is she maybe imaginary?
8. Do you live constantly in fear that other people are going to somehow force you to do something or take responsibility for something? Does this lead you to the squirrel-like stockpiling of alibis and excuses, and the readying of whining formulas?

Answer Key: If you answered yes to even one of these, you know what? Just go to hell. You are too old for that shit, and what you're doing is proving you cannot even be fixed at this point. You screwed up, and I'm sorry, but my medical diagnosis is that you are ruined. The truth is that you are fucking lazy, and you're moving your own cheese, because in the end you spend as much time apologizing or not apologizing, stressing out, making up excuses, lying, blame-shifting, whining and being a prat as you would have by just, you know, doing the thing. Basically, what everybody else knows and you seem to have avoided recognizing after forty years -- the secret to happiness that we're all denying you -- I will now give you for free.

The Actual No-Fooling Secret To Happiness: Your P.E. Coach Was Correct.

About all of it. If you missed it when they were handing out self-discipline, I can totally identify, but here's a little trick: imagine your elementary school Phys Ed teacher standing behind you, with like a tiger or large scary dog, and simply do whatever you are told by this imaginary P.E. coach. Start by getting over yourself, then move on to more complex duties. You'll find you suck less almost immediately.

Team Heidi, with help from all the birdies and fauna of the forest, continue to pull together and make America strong... and clean! Angela proudly hefts a sign that shines like the sun; Aimee makes people feel better about themselves simply with her presence, everybody is cute and everybody is doing their job ... until it all goes wrong! As Surya explains, the focus on marketing led to a terrifying amount of success w/r/t marketing, and the cars started backing up. Their resources were too heavily weighted toward getting customers, and not enough manpower was left to do the job. There is an aerial view of a clusterfuck! An old lady starts washing her own damn car! Freaking out Kristine! Heidi interviews that she was feeling pressure! She had to take charge! She begins to wash the cars herself, and the sun comes out! Everything is going to be oh! Kay! She laughs with the customers and moves with blinding efficiency! Everybody on the team joins in! Marisa's sweater is VERY PINK! Marisa loved it when everybody "pitched in"! Derek had so much fun and looked great doing it! Heidi runs around getting things accomplished! Without being mean or weird! Or scary! Angela worried that if they lost, it would be due to "chaos," but she knew they wouldn't lose! Heidi continues to be a blur of effective management!

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