To Have And Have Not

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | Grade It Now!
Lesson One: Jump That Shark Like You Mean It

Aerial segue to Team Frank, where they've got Nicole up a ladder holding a shitty sign and screaming into the carbon dioxide fumes of the passing cars, becoming covered in fine dust and grime, losing her voice as she screams pointlessly at the passing cars with her shitty sign. Thin marker words on a day-glo green piece of posterboard. Did you ever see such a thing? A lady on a ladder, screaming like Tara Reid, while holding a crunk sign in the air? It is sad. James interviews, pissed, about how "about two-thirds into it," they finally got their horrible sign. Nicole continues to scream like a carnie. Carey advises one driver that his car desperately needs cleaning -- "trust me" -- yet is somehow charming while doing this. Tim... fully steals ten bucks from a guy and then giggles adorably about the customer's mistake. The little angel on his left shoulder pulls out a gun and ends it all. James and Surya are upselling magicians, while Martin delivers disquisitions about unrelated subjects to the drivers and sucks. James and Surya rocking out; Martin giving in powerfully. This goes on for a while. James notices that Martin sucks; Martin is slimy and wanky and gross with a pretty girl I feel like I recognize from the television, who tells him politely to shove it. Martin is not getting it done. James is getting it done. Surya is getting it done. Tim is getting it done. Martin is... so fuckin' awful. "It's important not to be too 'up in the face' of the customers," he explains, undoing with a quickness what it took the last several thousand years to define: the idea of SELLING THINGS. You know that old African saying? Martin does. Which one? No, I don't know which one. He knows all of them. This is because he makes them up, because he is full of shit, because he is a jagoff. Are you even paying attention? "Drip, drip, drip goes the water...cracks the stone." That's his African saying. The first of many, you'll be happy to learn. Customers deserve a more "subtle approach" than this aggressive, time-tested, "sales" they are trying to make him do. He's going to drip, drip, drip until he cracks the stone. That's how he's going to do this. Now, it would be dumb to ask for clarification on how the "drip-drip" strategy could possibly apply at the point of sale, because A) it never ever will, and B) Don't talk to Martin. Don't ask him questions, don't look him in the eye. If you do, you will be sorry. There's an old Welsh saying that goes, "Shut the fuck up, Martin."

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