To Have And Have Not

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | Grade It Now!
Lesson One: Jump That Shark Like You Mean It

Everybody high-fives and Nicole, coming down off the ladder finally at the conclusion of the task, asks Martin where the bathroom is. He's so clueless he doesn't even get the joke, or that she's talking to him. He's just flipping through his receipts, adding up his sales for the inevitable Boardroom. This pisses James off badly, and I agree: it rests on presuppositions of your team's loss, your total lack of effort getting you called into the BR, and the need to prepare another alibi, like you do every single day. Barf me out. Visually, we're treated to a long, long shot of the team surging out of the parking lot to head home as a group, worn out and scared of Frank but willing to work together... and something like ten yards behind, Martin, still dressed like an a-hole, muttering to himself, all alone.

Into the Boardroom! I mean driveway! You won't believe this, but Derek had so much fun today. Aaron calls the task "difficult," which is scintillating, and Frank is sure that his team "did excellent." He uses this construction about fifty times in this episode, and every single time you can feel everybody wince and feel bad about their privileges in life, and every time he does it you feel a little worse about hating him, and if only this were a strategy, I would love Frank so very much. But it's not. Like Jenthura last year: the stance of airheadedness is very brilliant but if you pull off the mask and reveal a stupid person underneath, it's embarrassing for everybody. So whatever, Frank "did excellent" but Heidi knows damn well she won, and cheerily notes that she couldn't have picked a harder-working team. They also have the refreshing yet soothing scent of lemon and eucalyptus, and have the ability to do magic. Ivanka lets them know the totals. Team Frank whined and jerked their way to $2,345.54, while Team Heidi realized -- Ivanka notes for the first of eight times tonight -- they needed to roll up their sleeves, get dirty, and actually operate a carwash, so they did, with a choreographed group dance number that ended in them lying down on the pavement itself, and that's when their bodies spelled out a word, and that word was "Peace." $2,463. Team Heidi hug and are overjoyed and form a mosh pit of congratulation and mutual respect for each other's opinions. Frank almost bursts into angry, stupid tears. The reward, which will be as boring as ever, is characterized by Trump as a "true LA experience." OMG they're going to get carjacked by Lindsay Lohan!

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