Apprentice
To Have And Have Not

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Jacob Clifton: A | Grade It Now!
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Lesson One: Jump That Shark Like You Mean It

No such luck: dinner with Trump at the hippest restaurant in town... Spago. Are they... using a time machine to get there? Team Frank is unhappy but what else is new? The mysteriously irritating but omnipresent Wolfgang Puck will join them, which gives Derek the giggles. Heidi is proud, the PM until she loses, and now officially an Indoor Candidate. Frank shits himself with rage. Also, Heidi is the Viceroy taking George's place; before he even says it, she gleams all over. Even Ivanka loves this stuff; Stefani and Carey are not entirely pleased. Trump reminds Frank that he overexcitedly shrieked earlier that he loved the tent, and how now he gets to sleep there after all. Martin and Nicole are blasted by this; Team Heidi is horrified and joyful. Trump calls it "a case of the Haves vs. the Have Nots." Man, that's dumb. I hope he says it like a billion more times this season! James and Tim take it in stride, because they are respectable people for now. Trump weirdly mentions that they will have to conduct their toilet in the out of doors, including activities like "washing the teeth" and "washing the face" and "whatever the hell you do to yourself -- I have no idea, nor do I give a damn!" Now, that was Trump trying to make a joke about his hardassedness and also their sad lot, but forgetting that he is crazy and his mind makes no sense, so it ended up sounding like he takes his showers under general anesthesia.

Frank is worried and stupid some more, and also there's still the immortally retarded Boardroom to get through, and they go off to their respective places. Heidi holds the door open for her team, and they giggle and give each other high fives. Derek squeezes her shoulder and continues to applaud until he remembers to stop. Inside it's aggressively IKEA but Derek, because he is a nice guy, obliges with the whole "the place is just amazing" soundbites about the "great furniture" and the "great artwork." Everybody walks around oohing and ahhing at the IKEA furniture, and Heidi explains (this is great) that being a "Have" means "you get to have things." Later on Frank explains the accompanying corollary to that admittedly confusing concept, which is that "Have Nots" do not "have" things like the "Haves" do, but it's less funny when he says it, because he is a pisher. Kristine heads straight for the champagne while Aimee checks out the fridge and Derek goes looking for the closet, meaning all three of them are on Team Jacob, and everybody runs around with their shoes off and their priorities showing. They find the bedroom, singular, in which nine IKEA brown beds are arranged in a circle, like the creepiest summer camp cult on earth. Team Heidi collectively experiences its first disappointment in life; Heidi points out that at least they're not outside, and the group hug begins once more, rising like a polite and courteous phoenix from the flames.

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Apprentice

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