Apprentice
To Have And Have Not

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Lesson One: Jump That Shark Like You Mean It

Poolside, there is laughing, and lounging, and yet more lounging. Carey and Nicole and Martin and somebody else stare at them madly, over the hedge. Nicole wants to "go for the kill" on the next task. Tim gazes at the pool with a powerful desire that is both beautiful and cute, and interviews about the hot, hot sun beating down upon them in the yard. In the webisode, I assume this is right around when the Yoga Lady came and made them do yoga and balance their minds and bodies and whatever. This shit would never fly in NYC. Derek plays the goofy giant card during the yoga and makes the Have Nots giggle over the hedge as he falls down and acts awkward and screws up. I think that this is 99% genuine and 1% for show, but because we like Derek, we're going to say it's all an elaborate ruse and he is actually a ninja in disguise. Then they got dressed up so pretty to go to Spago, and Derek is working the Obama tie-less open collar look, which is confident and cute and awesome, and there's a stretch limo and Aimee is just so darn happy about everything, and Spago and whatever, and Surya is like, "I have heard of Spago, and Wolfgang Puck is on TV, and apparently knows a thing or two about cooking." Also at Spago, Melania's exceedingly pointy shoe comes out of their limo, followed by her mean, scary face.

Trump Wisdom: Nonexistent! Not even a hint of it! Cross those fingers and keep those bitches crossed! Trump and Melania and Puck sit down and talk about how Puck married Spago or something and they have 15 white tablecloth babies and 60 express babies and Trump patiently explains the secret of Puck's success: "See, he loves what he does, and because he loves it so much, he's the best at it." Everybody nods and tries not to look anybody else in the eye because this is so not the time for church giggles, no matter how crazy old uncle Trump is being right now. Puck takes off, they start in on the amuse-bouches and the ever-present wine, and the sun sets, and their food is delicious and totally respects your boundaries because this is Team Heidi, and meanwhile in the yard back home, they're eating at a long table on the grass that's like at camp, if your summer camp happened to be in the Mideast. Stefani cracks a joke about how they're dining at the "Valley View Restaurant" and tah-dahs the cliffside and nobody seems to notice her existence, and they all bitch and moan and whine about being losers.

Spago: Angela won her gold in Japan, in 1998. She interviews how weird it was to have Donald Trump seeming to be genuinely interested in having a conversation with you. I know, right? Trump addresses the table, saying it looks like everybody did a great job. "Who did the worst job?" he asks, and the record skips, and everybody goes very still and quiet, and there is stunned silence, and there's even Boardroom music, and Team Heidi is about to burst into collective and mutual tears when he smiles: "This is a reward, what am I doing!? Force of habit." And then? Oh, how they laugh.

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Apprentice

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