Apprentice
To Have And Have Not

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Jacob Clifton: A | Grade It Now!
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Lesson One: Jump That Shark Like You Mean It

Jet Trump flies into LA, where you may have seen palm trees, tans, and breasts. In case you have not seen these things lately, Trump provideth them, and now he's driving a very cute, if marital-aid-shaped, white convertible car down a palm-lined and probably very famous street of some kind. Everything looks like Chinatown on coke; Donald Trump is shrieking. Los Angeles has a $600B economy. (Is he counting the Valley? I think he's counting the Valley.) Also he needs some things! New things! Talented things! Problem-solving things! Sharp negotiator-type things! Things that scream! Scream like this! Things in black SUV's! That are nervous as hell! Things that are varied, kind of! Things that are male or female or lawyers! Things that, for reasons nobody will ever understand, thought this was a good idea!

They all have the same goal: a year-long apprenticeship in the Trumporg. Which is, in its way, a screaming hologram all its own. Let's be real some more -- authenticity is at a goddamn premium for me right now -- they wanna be on TV. They are willing to fawn over Donald Trump in order to be on television. I have completely lost my innocence about this. Took longer than I thought it would. Trump drives his penis car to his penis house, which looks like a Disneyland castle caught mid-coitus with a Newport Group McMansion, and both the car and the house look like Viagra spam emails, which is what they are. "C!al!s" and "Be a Real Man" and "Your Going To Love Breaking Down The Walls With Youre Huge C*ck," and all that noise. What do you think happens when Trump gets Viagra spam? I bet he clicks right on that shit. Like every time. I want to see Donald Trump checking his email. That's the kind of fun I'm into.

Melania comes out to meet him with the baby. I'm sure she's a nice lady, but: she is also a Zsa Zsa Gabor drag queen slash robot. I'm totally all about female drag queens like this, robots too, and I think it's amazing and very conceptual to go all crazy on your own gender like that. However, you have to watch out for -- and I have run into this personally, and I do believe it's what's happening here -- something I call your Gender Viet Nam, which in Melania's case means you end up married to Donald Trump. You have got to have an exit strategy or this could happen to you, too. He kisses her and the baby sweetly, and then starts screaming into the camera again about all the things he just screamed into the camera about. While he is doing this, Melania stares into the camera with a darkness in her. I have fucked up my gender performance art, her eyes are saying. My personal Gender Saigon has fallen to the white man. Please help me. You will not help me? Will no one help me? Then you all will burn. That is what her face is saying.

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Apprentice

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