Apprentice
To Have And Have Not

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Lesson One: Jump That Shark Like You Mean It

This Show Is Going To Be Cracked-Out Shark-Jumping Awesome: Exhibit C

Segue to awful paper plates and plasticware and the taste of broken dreams. Michelle points out, with her striking face all in an uproar, about how they didn't know what they were doing, and Martin agrees, asking Tim to talk more about the price point issue. I normally don't support sneakiness and creepiness, but you know what, I would be so happy if the whole team could meet behind Frank's back and bitch about him, and not because that is funny and I am a bully, but in fact because then Frank wouldn't be there to scream. Martin interviews another motherfucking Nigerian saying: "Seize every opportunity as if it was your last," he says. How does this man live on a day-to-day basis? A Quaker would punch him, that's how horrible he is. There's a Scottish saying in my family that goes, "The best-laid plans of Mice and Men; Shut ye the fuck up, Martin."

AWESOME LIE:

Martin gives a fabulous interview, all about how he manipulated the team and "put the focus on Frank." Martin pats himself on his assface back about how he "can handle the psychology of the group" and that now Frank is, "in the back of his head," in "a dark place," and that if he can "pull this off" he will be the greatest Apprentice ever.

EVEN MORE AWESOME TRUTH:

I submit to you that this season is awesome, because what actually happened, we see, was that Martin got piss drunk and convinced himself that he was manipulating the group, when in fact he was making vague, weird statements and then giving a lot of eyebrow while making this noise: Eh? Ehhh?

In the morning there is much spitting and little celerity in the City of Angry Tents. The sinks still do not go down. Meanwhile, Team Heidi is giving each other valid criticism and helpful household hints, and singing hymns of their own devising. Heidi notes that her viceroy duty is a reward for their team, and she will have to use it to their advantage in whatever way she can. Everyone congratulates her on this point and then they pull out their mud masks and Secret Santa gifts. Because in Team Heidi, Secret Santa Day is every day.

They head up to the Boardroom mansion, Tim very pissy, and once there we find that Otto is wearing a French blue tie today and it is a nice color. James and Michelle are the first in with their baggage, like they're going anywhere, and in the Boardroom it is revealed that Ivanka's buttons have gotten larger. Heidi smiles as they walk in; Trump is wearing a periwinkle necktie that is very flattering to his eyes. What? It's true. Plus, about a hundred pages ago, I compared his hair to a tranny's batch, and I want to be nicer this year. He explains once more about how Heidi is now George, and everybody kind of immediately realizes that this is going to be almost impossible to implement, because either she's acting in her best interests or not, and either way it's a weird conflict to have her there, but I do applaud the twistiness. Michelle offers firstly that Frank maintained a "very consistent energy" from the tent ("the first pseudo-task," in Michelle's crazy words) to the car wash. True enough. Ivanka asks Team Frank if there was any kind of strategy whatsoever, and there was not, and Martin will be happy to explain that. In motherfucking depth. He totally outlines his speech beforehand, how there were "three mission-critical errors" and also some "fatal character errors" that came into play. Fuck right off, dude. You're talking to Donald Trump, who, even more than normal people, does not need your BS today. He doesn't even remember your name, how is he going to remember the three mission-critical errors and the additional character issues? The three mission-critical errors were no planning, no discussion of price point, and no marketing to speak of. That's my whole report. That's all you need say. He screamed instead of planning and then spent the majority of the day stomping around on imaginary errands.

Heidi asks how much time was spent on marketing, and Frank informs her that "time was of the essence," and there is a little bit of something scary in her response: "I'm aware of that? I was there? I won?" Ivanka describes how Team Heidi went for volume and moving the cars, while Team Frank... she politely describes it as a focus on "high stream clientele," but really the difference is that Team Frank was a dog's dinner and Frank started fucking up the second the clock started ticking. Literally from Go, he fucked it up, and continued to fuck it up from various angles and positions for the length of the task. Ivanka asks him to describe his point, or how to get there, and he can't even remember how much the goddamn car wash cost. Fire him. Fire him! Heidi asks if everyone at the table agrees that Frank had zero strategy, and Tim is vocal in his agreement, but tempers it with the fact that this was not a brainstorming-heavy task: set the price point, get the cars in. Not a lot of prep. Not no prep, which is what Frank made happen based on his desire to give the illusion of... I don't know. You know what? I don't even know what the ego-spackle point is to Frank's horrible little act. Something about being dominant, and efficient, and a born closer, and in control -- the usual, on this show. He's really just a less-moneyed, more grody version of Donald Trump. Come on. So Frank continually interrupts Trump and refuses to answer questions with their corresponding answers and talking himself up and licking Trump's ass and patting himself on the back and talking endlessly about nothing, nothing, nothing at all.

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Apprentice

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