To Have And Have Not

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | Grade It Now!
Lesson One: Jump That Shark Like You Mean It

Into the limo to the airport to the plane back to the great city of Atlanta: "I can't believe I got fired," he says, and claims for the ninetieth time that he was "probably the hardest-working person" there. Which, at what point do you start feeling sorry for someone who's so efficiently fucked himself out of reality and into the abusive arms of crazy? He's wearing yet more crazy person clothes as he says this, and seems to be sincere in his sentiment. I don't know. I still want to push him in the river. He congratulates himself in another crazy way, about how at least he's the first to go, rather than "third or fourth." Which is a fact, so, not deluded like the other thing, but also: huh? I don't even, whatever, forget it. Congratulations on that too, freak. "At the end of the day, I had to go the bathroom."

You what? You know what, fuck it. Again. Forget it. I don't know what lessons we learned this week because I think I just actually went crazy. I heard a little "pop" in my head and now... I don't remember what I was just thinking about. I don't know what to talk about. I'm tin-roof rusted, if you wanna know the truth.

Lessons Learned: Stop being a gaywad, if that's what you are. Stop being a jerkface, if that's what you are. Lower the volume of your voice. Dress like a person. Um, working together well is as easy as not bringing an entire monogrammed set of luggage to the party. If you're a Have Not, work on ways to, like, Have. If you're a Have, be grateful for the things you Have. Add "California" to the list of things that make Donald Trump think of sex. Lawyers are awesome, as always. I love lawyers! They are great! Thumbs up on lawyers! I can't wait to meet the other ten people we barely know after this first episode. Candidate filler is the new Trump filler. Sometimes people are just natively stupid, and there's no way to silk-purse that fact. That sucks. What else did we learn? Not much. Do what you love, follow your bliss, marry a hologram. I came no closer to understanding my hatred of Wolfgang Puck, because he's never done anything wrong to me personally, and was on screen for like five seconds. Oh, I know one: Sleeping on a hillside in sunny Southern California is pretty much exactly like being in the middle of an unending Hurricane Katrina. Did not know that!

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