To Have And Have Not

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | Grade It Now!
Lesson One: Jump That Shark Like You Mean It

The introductions take place faster than ever before, which sucks because I like the introduction part, where they justify their whole existence in dollar signs, and you can make snap judgments about their life and character based entirely on appearance, which is my favorite pastime extrinsic to this show, but especially having to do with the show, because I've been wrong once (about Andrea, even though everybody in the world seemed to start agreeing with me at the exact time I stopped agreeing with myself.) Let's do it! James Sun, Business and Information Systems, with a crazy awesome voice and very lovely sense of humor, and not a tool in any way so far detectable. Stefani, a defense attorney in LA, who is not going to last long, because of her makeup. I hate to say that, because I like Stefani (also she spells her name differently in real life than the show does, which is just so... stupid of them all), and I am interested in her life and her story, because I believe that it is both interesting and fraught with adversity. But a bijou makeunder and more expensive product would really help here, both professionally and period, and I say this with love. Also: defense attorney is so totally code for "big old girl." Aaron, the blonde of the two hotties, is much better looking live-action than he is in photos, where he was already good-looking, in a bland perfect faceless dimpled chin kind of way. He's the sales manager for a "Fortune 150" company and has seen $15B or something. Marisa is just adorable, put together, speaks well, has a BA in Poli Sci and a law degree, which automatically means: big old girl. Like an Amnesty amount of girl. Heidi does something with helicopters and is beautiful and hardcore, but on the Rebecca Jarvis scale, she only gets like three of five switchblades this week. Derek is a lawyer and VP Business/Legal at a film company. Derek is six-five and smokin', has some ears, a goofiness, good teeth, does nothing interesting whatsoever in this episode, and is nervous as fuck whenever Trump is around. I think maybe that's a fight/flight adrenaline response, probably having to do with the hair. (He's also a Pisces, ladies!)

Michelle spreads a little "entreprenure" having to do with real estate; her face says she's here to do business. I like the cut of her jib. Kristine -- wearing Smart Chick From The Future Glasses -- is a lawyer who deals in intellectual property and sports and entertainment licensing, mergers and acquisitions. Her BA was in Criminology! What an interesting life she is leading! After the episode I could name all eight males without stopping, and only like four of the females even after prompting. This leads me to believe it's a women's invitational this season, which is cool, but makes my job harder. Michelle's the pretty blonde one with a lot of character in her face, Kristine's the pretty blonde one with the Smart Girl glasses, Angela's the one who has clearly never worn heels in her entire life, Aimee is the crunchy looking one, and I think there are twelve other blonde women and I think all of their names are variations on Jennifer, just like every other year.

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