Apprentice
To Have And Have Not

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Lesson One: Jump That Shark Like You Mean It

In fact, let's wrap up everybody else and go back to Martin. Aimee is super cute and does something with medical devices that I tried hard to pay attention to but apparently cannot. My friend Amie also does something with medical devices, but they are apparently more interesting in some way, or maybe they are the same medical devices, I don't know. That's a huge industry that hardly anybody knows anything about. Like porn, or soy. Muna is from Jamaica and talks all awesome and is very pretty and is a lawyer with strong focus on international... something they faded out in the never-ending quest to enquicken this, my favorite part. And then there's Frank, whom I would advise immediately to go fuck himself, because the nicest thing I can say is that the show did a classy thing by not pointing out he's the only blue-collar one out there -- and he sure fucking shows it; no offense to those blue-collar folks out there who aren't ignorant, poisonous horrors -- but does him at the same time a disservice by not pointing this out, because a lot of (most of, to be fair) his complete and total bullshit comes from his weird feelings about this fact. 17 Harvard grads, including 6 lawyers, and you're Bob the Builder? On top of being a classless, shitty person? That's gotta be rough. It's not alpha dog so much as desperation. And childish Trumplike Trumpiness. If he wins this show 14 weeks from now I am going to steal a helicopter and throw microwave ovens down on the Taco Bell. I mean it this time. I will start the ruckus. Speaking of the ruckus, meet Nicole: a person from whom I get no reading whatsoever, and I can't remember what she does. She's like... if you were a dog and there were a person, like a magically scary person, who moved into town and smelled like nothing at all, that person would be to your doggie senses like a horrible menacing void in space. I don't find her scary, but I'm very proud of and reliant upon my people instincts, for like daily survival. I trust my intuition completely on that score, so I find Nicole threatening in that way. She seems nice and Tim clearly likes her, and I like Tim, so she's fine via the transitive property, but I shouldn't have to do it like that, because of the people instincts, and it's creepy, like reaching back for your gun and there's nothing there, at the time you need it the most. Wait, why would you need a gun, Jacob?

Meet Martin. He is the Senior Assistant City Attorney for the Great City of Atlanta Georgia, and the first thing he does is tell Trump... no, that's not the first thing he does. The first thing he does is be offensive on sight, both to my people instincts and to my sense of aesthetics. He is dressed like a motherfucking clown. He is dressed like Doctor Who. He is dressed like a man who has never been beaten up in his whole life, thanks to his Mom's valiant efforts and vicious roundhouse kick. This is exactly what he is. Remember freshman year of undergrad and there were the boys with the... like, one of them walked with a cane. He did not need this cane, or walking stick, and he did not need to wear a cocksucking cloak over his backpack either. And there was another one who wouldn't stop talking about Ayn Rand, and he always wanted to be the Dungeon Master, and it occurred to you that these things were related, and that that is heartbreaking. And there was the more attractive but still socially awkward one with a cute haircut who never got laid because he was like this. And if you observed these people as closely as I did, like from behind trees and at the parties they accidentally found out about, you soon learned two things: one is that nerd sexuality is very, very complicated, and you would do well to stay out of it altogether, because it's always going be either "polyamory," furries, or S&M, and often the Ren Faire is involved, which apparently can get expensive, but mostly: all of which are so gay you might as well just be gay, in my opinion, and save yourself the mental journey. When you're gay? You get laid like that. I'm just saying. Plus there's no extra equipment to buy. ... I mean, as far as I'm aware. But anyway, the second one is that these boys also had people that they were too cool for. I mean to say that there were some people so unpalatable that they never even got to play GURPS with these boys. And those people were Martin, and he's on your TV right now! Wearing a pinstriped suit, a checkered tablecloth, a barfy and clashing tie, a simper, and the fragrance known as Eau d'Lazy Asshole. He is avant nothing at all, après the world, and illustrates my grandmother's axiom: In fashion, there is a difference, admittedly sometimes razor-thin, between being cutting edge and fucking up on a heretofore unimagined scale.

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Apprentice

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