To Have And Have Not

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | Grade It Now!
Lesson One: Jump That Shark Like You Mean It

Quick Quiz: Put these items in the correct order of elimination.

A. People with repugnant personalities
B. People with personalities which are repugnant in the same way as Donald Trump's, i.e., overcompensating blowhards
C. Hotties with their shit together
D. Hotties with shit status unknown
E. People in need of a tiny makeover
F. Overcompensating overqualifieds with dead grandmas

Answer Key: Aaron is obviously fine, even though we do not yet know in which of these categories he actually belongs. We have lost the mystery.

Back up the hill to Trump's house, which is awful, terrible, nasty and ugly inside. Fittingly enough. It looks like hell even more than Rosie O'Donnell apparently does. Otto is there. If this were a story, Otto would be secretly poisoning them this whole time. That would be so fuckin' great. There's a Boardroom in there just like in NYC, complete with the GOB Bluth Aztec Curse door that Trump comes flourishing out of all the time. This time there's also Ivanka, whom Angela seems to find as fascinating as I do. Her hair is longer, and her breasts seem to be bigger, but I'm not good at paying attention to breasts. I can tell you that she is wearing large wooden buttons on a very cute dress and as usual, she is amazing. She even played off the Rosie thing pretty well, by pointing out that Donald Trump always overreacts and gets crazy (I'm paraphrasing) when anybody has the balls to question him or talk about him behind his back on TV. Tom Cruise's sexuality is Donald Trump's whatever: it must be aggressively defended. Put that together with the fact that his show debuted this week to flagging ratings, and a whole new Magic Eye picture appears, one that is much less authentic but a hell of a lot funnier, because Rosie's antics are to The View as Trump's antics are to the Trump Brand, and this show.

Ivanka, in her new place in Carolyn's chair, will be Trump's "eyes and ears," a fact he will be reminding you of on a constant basis. There's nobody in the George spot, and he points out this obvious fact with a Christmassy excitement that bodes ill. Trump asks if they had fun, and let me tell you: Derek and Stefani sure as fuck did. Their every movement is very exaggerated around Trump, to the point of like being obnoxious and weird. The difference between a gracious nod of the head and a grand mal seizure is perhaps subtle, but it is not invisible to the naked eye. I feel like Stefani is needy in some way, that's the vibe. If this were high school, she'd spend most of the time crying in the bathroom. Now, we haven't seen much of her, and we won't this week, and you know I like to change my opinions with whiplash quickness, but I'm sticking there this week. Kristine offers that perhaps there were too many cooks in the kitchen; Frank opines that it is the greatest tent the world has ever seen, thanks to his -- this is embarrassing -- construction experience, and that if pressed he would be happy to sleep there tonight. Ivanka laughs at this, because Christmas is coming! Marisa and James couch their characterizations of Frank and Heidi -- as a blowhard and an apple-polisher respectively -- in just enough plausible deniability that Trump gets the go-ahead to make them the first PMs, even though James's more firmly worded "they were very... vocal" is more an indictment than anything else.

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