Apprentice
Apprentice

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Jacob Clifton: A- | 714 USERS: B-
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Lesson Eleven: Be Bold, And Mighty Forces Will Come To Your Aid

Alla: "I am not the Project Manager! Except I totally am, just like every week!"
Felisha: "I'm a better actor. If you try to tell me how to act, I will slit your throat. Being the better actor is all I have! And even that is a lie!"

Bill gets worried and tries to figure things out: Felisha is really confused here, he thinks nervously. She's the Project Manager, but she's not the Project Manager, but it's Alla we're talking about, so this is like, basically, a movie about a little kid sitting on Mommy's lap pretending to drive. Only they're both grown women. And for some reason Mommy wants the car to crash. "I am really confused right now," he thinks. "And terrified!"

Alla: "Okay, I'll be completely subordinate to you, as long as you remember that I own you and I'm totally in charge in every way."
Felisha: "Agreed, just as long as you remember that I'm in charge, except for how you are."
Alla: "I'm moderately annoyed that you're pretending to have an autonomous will, but mostly I'm bored. Let's go shoot this mother."
Felisha: "Speaking as a Project Manager, I don't want to step on any toes, but I'd like to offer the possibility that I am willing to sign off on that course of action."

Alla then totally gets all "by the way, Miss Project Manager" about things and reminds Felisha that the crew is still waiting for her command. She then informs Felisha A) what that command should be, B) that she is an asshole for not having given it already, C) how much time they've wasted now that Alla's had to explain basic shit to Felisha, and D) that she doesn't want to hit or be mean to Felisha, but Felisha's just so fuckin' dumb, and sometimes Alla can't help herself.

Felisha: "I have now delegated my entire existence."
Alla [interview]: "She doesn't want me to outshine her performance, but she also wants to win. I will have to step on her face to save her life. I am become death, the destroyer of worlds."
Felisha: "I hope Alla likes my outfit."

Meanwhile, we check in with some people who have a hope of success. Excel is psychically discussing camera angles, and Rebecca fills us in on the concept: This guy is getting his stuff together for a meeting, is beset by every possible hindrance, and nearly goes screaming out a window, only to be saved…by the high-tech futurity and world-crossing, fiber-optic-flexing power of MSOLM. We are introduced to the actor, whose name may or may not be Jeff, who will be playing the role, and he gets to work. Rebecca directs him to read the line as though "if you don't get the files you're totally screwed." Jeff gives the impression of attempting to worry about the files while laboring under a reckless cocktail of muscle relaxants and mood-altering Schedule I drugs. Rebecca: "Stop. Convey that you are in charge." Jeff tries again, in the exact same tone, his only nod to this request the addition of the adverb to the sentence "I absolutely need these files." Rebecca says "Stop" again, this time actually clapping her hands. This guy is like her exact opposite, in terms of directed and articulated rage, and you can tell he's just killing her. "Start from the beginning, a little more urgent." A third time he says the line softly, from just beyond the valley of the dolls, this time ad-libbing that he needed the files "like five minutes ago." This is fucking hilarious, you guys. Rebecca claps and yells "Stop!" again, and Randal pulls her outside for a little talk. They agree that what they're looking for is Rebecca Intensity and what they're getting is Jennifer W. generic bogus nothing, and Rebecca starts to chew on her own face. "I hate making a call like this. I didn't like it." Randal interviews why this is all so high-stakes: "This is her last opportunity to get a win." Rebecca simply asks him to do the acting himself, and he's down, and they're both happy about doing it themselves, but there's also a tension because the shot is going to take so much longer now. If only MSOLM could help!

Apprentice

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