Central Park, from above, and then...whoosh! We spin around as Trump talks about his love of New York City and a guy who looks like the Missing and Rapidly Aging Culkin Brother goes skulking down a hallway. He looks kind of suspicious. And then, Dead Meat Guy! One of the Leggy Blondes! Leggy Brunette! Jesse Bradford's cousin! Trump says that one of them will win "the dream job of a lifetime." Provided that your dream is to shill for Donald Trump until you're too busy to date the future star of The Bachelorette, even if you're lucky enough to meet her. Tragic, really. "Who will succeed?" Trump bellows. "Who will fail? And who will be...the Apprentice?" That's two dramatic intonings of "the Apprentice," and the show's been on for about three minutes. Somebody's getting a little carried away with having the star name-check the show.
Credits. You know, I'm not thrilled that they copied so much of last year's opening Trumpologue, but I'm happy they were smart enough not to touch the theme song or the Woo-like shots of Trump. Because those credits would almost allow you to entertain (briefly) the notion that Donald Trump is cool.
So you can follow along in the credits, but one of the Leggy Blondes is Sandy. (She was actually Leggy Blonde II.) Leggy Brunette is Jennifer. Leggy Blonde I is Elizabeth. Unsupervised Subway Twelve-Year-Old is Stacy. Green Jacket Lady is Maria. Asian Woman With Carry-On is Ivana. (Hee.) Leggy Blonde III is another Jennifer. Frizzy-Haired Big Glasses Lady is Stacie. Very Tall Mean Lady With Cell Phone is Pamela. Dork in Bow Tie is Raj. Bulky Ethan Hawke is John. Bald Guy is Bradford. Lost Oversized Culkin is Wes. African-American Guy In Shades is Kevin. Guy Shot From Far Away In Case He's Ugly is Chris. Beady-Eyed Guy is Kelly. Not Jesse Bradford is Andy. And Dead Meat Guy is Rob. And it's not personal...it's business. Come to think of it, if you're a candidate and you're reading this, that would be a good thing to remember, lest you lose your marbles and write me a stream of largely illiterate, profanity-laden hate mail.
Funky drums take us back to...more Manhattan skyline. They're lucky I really love New York, or this would begin to wear thin.
And then we're...well, we're back at Trump Tower, where Trump is voicing over that the candidates will live in a suite together and where those candidates are fast approaching. "It's brutal! It's tough! It's business!" Trump says. Upstairs in the Mocked-Up Lobby, the beleaguered Robin sits behind her giant pretend desk, with her pretend phone and her pretend flowers...I think only the chair is real. The gold (duh) elevator doors open, and one of the Leggy Blondes gets off the elevator. I can't reliably tell them apart yet. She walks over and checks in with Robin, announcing that she is Jennifer. Ah! That would make her Leggy Blonde III. Jennifer is, according to her caption, an attorney (booo!), and she interviews that she was the first one there. Which we just saw. I hate overnarration, in case I've never mentioned it. She claims there was a feeling of "scariness." The irony is that as an attorney, she's probably allergic to the word "said" in favor of "indicated," but she can't choke out anything better than "scariness." Next off the elevator is Maria (of Green Jacket fame). And then Andy. And then Leggy Blonde II.