Apprentice
Toying With Disaster

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Welcome back, suck-ups

Jazzy horns blare as the elevator doors open to reveal...spectator shoes and the bottoms of bright red pantlegs. Oh, good Lord. Bow Tie Dork, whom you will recall as Raj but who will always be Bow Tie Dork in my heart, sidles up to Robin all, "Hey-baby-hey, wanna see my collection of vintage gas station signs?" You can just see Robin being like, "Dude, are you trying to impress me with the flashy? I work for Donald Trump. He uses powdered diamonds as scouring powder in his tub." Anyway, Raj checks in, and everyone else eyes him like, "Oh, well, this guy is going to be a fucking barrel of laughs." Except for the ones who are jealous of the screen time they know he will get, who are thinking, "I knew I should have worn my suit of armor." Twerpy Andy interviews that Raj "isn't like any other guy." He goes on to say that the closest comparison would be Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack. The thing with Raj's look, though, as was pointed out by Wing Chun as well as some other people, is that it is utterly destroyed by his decision to wear pleated pants. Dude. Those are not sharp! He looks like an old guy going out to play golf. Andy obnoxiously interviews that he hopes Raj will teach him to tie a bow tie, because "those things are P-I-M-P." Yeah. For pimps who teach economics on the side.

Everyone sits around the lobby. Little Stacy looks like someone's little sister. One of the Blondes crosses and uncrosses her legs. Fingers are knotted together. Hands are rubbed. Sweat is spilled. Wes eyes everyone with disdain, thinking, "I could gut you with my fishing knife in four and one-half seconds." Maria says, in one of the most unfortunately nasal and whiny cadences reality television has produced recently -- which is really saying something -- that when she first got into the room with everyone, she knew that just as she was trying to figure everyone else out, they were figuring her out as well. She picks out Bradford to be afraid of, citing his "shaved head." You know, sometimes bald is just bald, lady. Bradford -- ew, he's an attorney, too! -- says that he thinks first impressions are really important. He says that his first thought in any room is to survey everyone's weaknesses. He decides to single out Pamela, saying she "looks like Cruella DeVille." He finds her "overly aggressive," so he figures she will be an easy mark. Yeah, keep tellin' yourself that, Sparky. The assumption that women who are aggressive are secretly weak and insecure? Always a safe one. Go with that.

As Robin tells them all that they can go in to see Trump, take note of the fact that essentially all of the men are dressed in businesswear, while about half of the women are wearing what are obviously party dresses. The tube dress, in particular, is a nice touch. Because that does, I will admit, scream of professionalism. It's just a different profession. We cut to an interview with John, who immediately reminds me of Boyfriend Bill. He's a "marketing director," and he talks about how the situation was anxiety-producing, but you're also "pumped up." The statute of limitations on "pumped up" has officially run out. It just happened right there. If you were listening, you may have heard the "Ding!"

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Apprentice

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