Apprentice
Apprentice

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B | 739 USERS: B-
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Lesson Six: Accessibility Is Never Politically Incorrect

Kinetic moves out, Kristine complains about health conditions outside, Frank makes steaks out by the pool, Arrow goes surfing. It's boring and shitty and goes on forever, but the music acts like they're about to release the kraken, but they never do: just surfing, surfing, the obvious people looking totally hot in their wetsuits (Tim, Stefani, the surfing coaches), the obvious people having dramatic goofball overbites and never having seen the ocean or water or the sky or anything ever in their entire lives (Nicole and Frank), the obvious people being suck-ass douches (Surya). Then a SCREAM from Nicole, and Tim and Frank walking her out of the ocean between them, and fake-coughing that doesn't even sound like her version of milking this would, and then lots of her lying in the sand and Tim next to her, looking bored, and Nicole's foot hurts, but all you can see in her head is a big neon sign going REBECCA REBECCA REBECCA and like, you know me, the entire concept there is offensive. But not as offensive as when they're helping her into the van to get it checked out, and James volunteers Tim to go with her, and two terrible things happen.

Surya: He's gonna make his big move now! He's gonna make the big move now!
Frank: You can take advantage of her now, buddy!
Nicole: [yelling from inside the van, but not the response that actually goes here, I'm sure just some kind of jocular "I desire the approval of all men" joking around about the fact that he just advised their teammate to rape her while she's distracted by pain in her ankle, when of course the proper response is to get out of the van and punch him in his fucking head]

So the doctor's touching her foot, and it's funny, because he's like, "It hurts when I touch it? Really? That's painful? Are you...sure that hurts?" But it's not Nicole, it's a jellyfish bite. Nicole and Tim are admittedly cute in the doctor's office, and at one point she screamterviews that she's never even SEEN a jellyfish, which is kind of horrible if you think about it. I don't know, she doesn't bother me as much this week. When she was interviewing about the ankle two paragraphs ago, she made this really cute face and went, "Uh oh! What did I do?" with the exact inflection that I would have used, and I guess it made me like her more, because I don't know if you know this but I'm a little vain. (Or is it that I know what I want? And I want it now?) She asks the doctor if a real surfer would have just kept surfing, i.e., is her personal pain threshold a wussy thing or is she allowed to be in pain right now? And again, I feel her on that one really strongly -- that's like the coolest thing she's said on this show, because that's, again, all me. "Am I allowed to admit that this hurts? Because I can't be sure, but I'm pretty much thinking it hurts like a bitch, so if you could ask ten other people how much this hurts, I'll know if I'm overreacting." This tendency has put me in some dangerous situations from time to time, but I think it comes mostly from not wanting to be a pansy, and a little bit from growing up feeling incredibly guilty and in denial whenever I got sick, because it compromised household revenues in a way I could have avoided doing if I'd had the foresight and fortitude not to get sick in the first place. (P.S., the inside of my head is a snakepit, but you already knew that.) So the guy answers her in a fun, funny good-doctor way, that "In this town?" the people would probably keep surfing.

Apprentice

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