Apprentice
Travel Sweepstakes Smackdown

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Lesson Six: Accessibility Is Never Politically Incorrect
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Last week, Sean was upset by Aaron's lack of outside signage at the Sue Bee/Ralph's task, but Aaron didn't have time to explain what we all know anyway, i.e., how in order to have signage outside, you first have to define your Area Of Visual Centrality as well as its surrounding Points Of Promotional Conversion and then run those through the Promise Of New And Time-Tested Aspirational Jargonization in Surya's head in order to create a Maximized Potentiality Of Lateral And Synergistic Revenue Streams before you even can go to the store, or before God will even go so far as to invent bees, because Trump was just about ready to fire him for no real reason instead. While all this was going on, Surya was taking an annoying amount of umbrage at being asked to contribute anything at all to the task beyond lecturing and getting his jargon all over Aaron's perfect face and everybody else's so that they did nothing but sit and listen to his unending stream of bullshit. Over in the yard, Stefani and Frank are talking about who should get fired, and Tim doesn't actually care; later he suggests somebody explain to Surya on the next task that when you are put in charge of marketing, what you actually do is design and implement a marketing concept and its constituent parts in order to create a customer base, instead of explain made-up words about marketing until it's dark outside and everybody is asleep. Stefani's awesome: "Um, fuck it, he should be Project Manager, actually." They all agree that this would be hilarious, because they are so used to losing at this point that the idea of losing the next task on purpose is less frightening than simply a matter of how they're going to fuck it up this week.

Then Trump fired Aaron for no real reason, and let Surya stay, and Surya commenced kissing ass about how great he's going to be one day in the future when he stops sucking, but Trump went, "Just GO! You just made it by the skin of your ass anyway!" Which was kind of awesome. Back in the yard, Tim spots Nicole and Surya coming back, which would make me double-sad, but only makes him half-sad. Nicole shrieks horribly about how much she hates the boardroom so they have to win, proving once again she doesn't get it. Derek and Kristine spy over the hedge and watch Surya...acting like the most perfect jackass I've ever seen in my life.

He's shaking, right, like a horse after a long run, and his lips have that hangover wiggle like sometimes when you're adrenalized, and his stupid eyes are bugging out, and his veins -- as Tim will note -- are popped all over the place, and his hands are trembling, and he's got that impotent, obnoxious, repressed anger thing happening, but it's more than that. It's like...you know a person who, when they fuck up, get so scared that you're going to get mad at them that they decide to get defensive and angry at you before you have a chance to even hear about what they fucked up? And like that fake, kind of stupid-looking, self-feeding, frenzied kind of denial they get? Do you have any idea what I'm talking about? I don't know if I can explain it correctly. It's like very shifty-eyed, and the lips pooch out, and the heart rate and breath are way up, and their shoulders kind of curve forward, and they're really jumpy, but also kind of defending their bodies at the same time? That's Surya right now. I hate it so much, because it's a whole lotta hustle that doesn't go anywhere, and he's like exhausting himself trying to come up with reasons and buttresses for how he's the good guy, and it's like: at some point the laughing stopped being fake and Surya started thinking that the whole marketing thing never actually happened, and his body, his actual chemicals, are going haywire trying to keep that version of the facts cooking, and his mouth and extremely overdone emotional faces and body language are trying to convince everybody else on earth that it's the truth, so that then it will be truth. His face doesn't say, "I'm insulted and a little hurt," it says, "this is the face people make when they're insulted and a little hurt." And that's fake and stupid and doesn't convince anybody of anything other than the fact that you're a fucking drama queen who is delusional about his own culpability, and P.S.: They were there. You total choad.

So Surya screams and bleats and shivers and shimmies and flounces and bounces and grinds and fantods around for a billion years about how he is just so pissed and virtuous and how the one thing -- the one thing -- that you could do to hurt him to the core, more than any other thing, is to lie. "Don't lie!" That's all he's saying. It's really more of a philosophical pant that he's shitting right now: an ideal ethic which has been trespassed. "We all have our integrity!" he fake-rails; whatever. No, you don't, but also: who rants like this? Tim interviews to make fun of the drama and veins and popeyes and Surya keeps flopping around and freaking out and acting like an idiot who is very offended, and James fully goes, "He...wasn't lying, dude. Just think of it like that: he wasn't lying." I'm paraphrasing, but it was awesome. Because HE WASN'T LYING. He wasn't doing much of anything, but he never lied. And he got fired, and now you have no idea what to do with yourself, so why not act like the biggest dork of all time? This little wobbly of Surya's makes Brent Michael Buckman look a bit more stable, is what I'm saying, and Brent Michael Buckman used to describe his teammates using words like "doody." In the boardroom. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you this. Surya keeps telling, and Tim interviews about how all he could think about was how great, to have to deal with this "energy that is annoying" throughout the task. Which given the intensity of Nicole's annoying energy rays that she's been aiming at him all along, also proves that Surya is a dick. Surya totally tells Stefani that he wants to be PM, just to right the imbalance of good versus evil in the entire universe or something, and Stefani's like, "I think that's a really good idea, Surya." HA! Then he turns his horrible annoying caffeination bullshit against them, in the mistaken belief that it's motivational or something, when really it's: still obnoxious. He makes these stupid faces and talks about how he'll bleed for them, etc. And out here in the real world, he looks like a dickless wonder screaming stupidly about nothing, but in there? In the Surya movie? He's like Braveheart.

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