Apprentice
Travel Sweepstakes Smackdown

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Lesson Six: Accessibility Is Never Politically Incorrect

Upstairs at Donald's, he's asking the execs who was best on the task: Chris liked Derek and Muna, though he found the kiosk staff "underwhelming"; Bret thought Arrow was "aggressive" (word) and that Frank stood out in particular, and then he asks for my phone number, and then we totally make out on a pile of Trump's money, and he has a heart attack from seeing this but he doesn't die, but the experience finally teaches him to love, and he hugs Donald Junior, and DJ never ever makes that face he always makes again, in his whole life. And all of this, the Trump family saved, so many crises averted, because Bret from that travel website finally gave in. What a guy.

Surya manages to be annoying simply when applying Chapstick, Trump and DJ come in, and they're both making that face, because the fact is that Bret never called me and we never made out on a pile of money. It was all merely a fantasy. Trump's wearing his pink tie again, which is kind of a victory I guess, because I think he looks nice in that pink tie. I also like how he only brought four ties with him to LA, even though you'd think he'd have a separate jet built for his neckties, considering...you know what, what's with neckties? What's the semiotics of neckties? Why do we wear them? I know from fashion, like, what they do to your body and your face and how the colors work, but I'm thinking more like how they happened. Whatever, anyway, Trump asks Surya how Arrow did: "In a word? Amazing." You think so? "Absolutely." Everything he says pisses me off now, I don't know. That word amazing, looking at it right now it's like the most annoying word in the whole world, next to absurd. Shut the hell up, Surya. Trump notes, apropos of nothing -- but for the eighteenth week running -- that if they lose this week, they're all going to say Surya is a horrible leader. I think he thinks it's last week. Like how last week he thought it was the week before, and fired Aaron, and now he's thinking it's Surya's first week again, but he's been on the team for like two or three tasks, and I think we have to face up to the fact that someday soon we're going to have to put Uncle Donald in a home, because if you're going to become demented, wouldn't you want to live and remember fondly some other time period than fucking Season Six of The Apprentice? Seriously?

Trump asks Kinetic how Aimee was as leader, and Jenn and Derek are both sad about how bad she sucks. "Not good"? he asks. "Ineffective?" he asks. Because just like last week, he's already decided to fire her ass for no reason, so whatever. Heidi smiles the wickedest, most wonderful grin ever; Derek kind of grins. They are the exact same amount of magnetic no matter what they're doing, it's weird. They're like...what's that math thing? They are a like a pair of sexy asymptotes. Anyway, Arrow won: 359 to 326. Arrow cheers, Jenn's whole face drops -- I really like her, I think -- and Aimee looks profoundly disturbed, but...nah, too easy. Surya immediately starts talking but all I hear is "Blah blah blah, the two Arrow storylines are that Surya Sucks and that Tim and Nicole are Repulsive, and meanwhile James is sneaky-snaking up one side and down the other, and Stefani is amazing, and somehow Frank is coming off better than most of the team, and all three of those things are so much more interesting than either of the stories we're highlighting this season, even if Tim is pretty cool whenever Nicole's not the subject, because those things are interesting and complex, like how you end up Frankie Suits while being a great salesman and a funny guy, or how you end up Erin Brockovich and a defense attorney and still stay so sweet and funny, or how Tim and Nicole both suffer in this romance edit, because they are independently a thousand times more interesting and likeable than the sum of their parts, and James is the new Aaron in that his dark side is very, very secret, but the audience is I guess too stupid to hear about any of this, so we get this monochrome, boring, trashy shit every week, making Arrow look like dumb hicks no matter what they do." Only with more words. Okay, and then the reward? Surfing lessons, then brunch at Gladstone's, which will include, I'm sure, more champagne with more classy fist-sized strawberries floating in there. That reward is, to me, for the fiftieth week running, horrible. This one in particular is like hearing that the reward is a free colonoscopy, because it is the gift of health or something. Dear Donald: If there's any kind of gift up there at all, I'm not gonna want it. FYI. Unless the alternative involves surfing, actually, so there we go. Oh, and they get to move back into the house again, of course, and Surya is PM next week, and also a Viceroy right now, this very second, giving him -- this is worth thinking about -- the opportunity to help Aimee out the way she helped him last week. Right? Right? I mean, I don't have anything against Aimee, and I have no vested interest in her staying or going, but surely Surya isn't that much of a douchebag, right? Hello? Is this internet on?

Kinetic moves out, Kristine complains about health conditions outside, Frank makes steaks out by the pool, Arrow goes surfing. It's boring and shitty and goes on forever, but the music acts like they're about to release the kraken, but they never do: just surfing, surfing, the obvious people looking totally hot in their wetsuits (Tim, Stefani, the surfing coaches), the obvious people having dramatic goofball overbites and never having seen the ocean or water or the sky or anything ever in their entire lives (Nicole and Frank), the obvious people being suck-ass douches (Surya). Then a SCREAM from Nicole, and Tim and Frank walking her out of the ocean between them, and fake-coughing that doesn't even sound like her version of milking this would, and then lots of her lying in the sand and Tim next to her, looking bored, and Nicole's foot hurts, but all you can see in her head is a big neon sign going REBECCA REBECCA REBECCA and like, you know me, the entire concept there is offensive. But not as offensive as when they're helping her into the van to get it checked out, and James volunteers Tim to go with her, and two terrible things happen.

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