MONDO EXTRAS

Elsewhere, in another room, Marla is all vapid in her mint-green pantsuit (she's the Don Knotts, basically), telling her mother on the phone that she feels sorry for Ivana, because it is Marla herself whom Trump really loves. In fact, he wants her to marry him. She even breathlessly says Donald wants to put her in a scene on Dallas with Larry Hagman. What? I...never mind. She does admit, however, that Ivana looks "great." And then amends that to say she looks "better." Wow. Don't get too complimentary, there. And then she says this: "Me? No way. I'd probably wind up looking like a Playboy bunny somebody hurled through a windshield." I love how they explain everything about real estate as if I'm in third grade, but they expect me to understand what the fuck is going on with that line. Someone comes to the door, and she runs to answer. It's Donald! They're totally in looooove.

Later, Donald and Ivana are out on the slopes when she starts demanding that he tell her whether he's sleeping with Marla. Ivana? Not too bright, there. Donald insults Ivana's accent as a distraction (good one, asshole), and Ivana comes back by referring to Marla as "Marla Mooples." "Talk also theeees television star weeth the big shoulder pads," Ivana complains, lamenting the press coverage regarding possible dalliances Trump is having with...Joan Collins? Linda Evans? Joe Montana? At any rate, Donald tells her that "the important parts work" in their marriage, and she gets all "I vant to be loooovers!" in this weird way, and Trump kind of wants to just ski, but Ivana totally spots Mooples and goes over to confront her. Fight! Fight! Fight! Ultimately, Ivana and Mooples have a big yelling fight that we don't actually get to see, mostly just getting shots of the extensive press coverage of it after the fact. "You vill stay away from my husband," Ivana demands. "You are tramp!" she states. Oh, tramps. They're the happiest people, really, and they get an unfairly bad rap. There's lots of shoving and stuff, and the press reports that this turned into an "Ivana went crazy" situation.

Later, alone in her desolate apartment, Ivana tears up some tabloids and is all, "Hiiiya!", kind of like Miss Piggy. She then decides there's only one thing to do, so she calls Liz Smith. You know, Jacob pointed out recently that "One Way Or Another" is really, really played at this point, but here it is again as Donald and Ivana give warring stories to Liz Smith about the breakdown of their marriage. And the song is still really, really played. Blah blah blah Donald is only letting Ivana run the Plaza Hotel to keep her quiet blah blah blah Ivana was betrayed blah blah blah Blondie. And then we get to see the "Best Sex I've Ever Had" headline that we all unfortunately do remember regarding Donald and Marla. Eeeeeew! In case you haven't figured out that the tabloids covered the shit out of the end of Donald and Ivana's marriage, we watch as Mooples, in her lime-green teddy (!), weeps and moans and rolls around on her bed on a pile of her own press. Do people really do that? I'm thinking that's more of a thing that you not only don't do outside of a movie, but you don't do outside of a montage inside of a movie.