Apprentice
Trump: Unauthorized

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Trumptastic!
And then, the press conference previously promised, in which Trump insists to a bunch of reporters that his proposed project will attract Charles and Diana as well as -- and don't get too excited here -- Liberace. Because Trump is, first and foremost, classy. He mentions Sophia Loren again, and the king of Saudi Arabia, and then Ivana, watching this interview up in the Trumpartment, notes to Peter Wennik that she doesn't understand why he keeps bringing up Sophia Loren. "Why, are you worried that you have a rival for his affections?" Peter asks. "You mean aside from you?" she asks. Oh, Ivana. You will stop with the whining and the dissing of the best friend! They share a chuckle, because your husband's homoerotic friendships are nothing if not hilarious, and she tells Wennik that she and Donald remain a perfect match. There's some love-related metaphor about her and Trump and windows, which I'm convinced is in here only because they love the way the fake accent sounds when she says "vindows." Wennik pretends to know what she's talking about. Of course, he's also pretending to actually exist, so, whatever. Wennik meets Trump as the latter arrives on the Trumpicopter, and the former has good news -- the abatement has been granted. But as they get into the limo, Wennik admits that they had to alter the plans slightly. We cut to the Trump home, where Papa-T is playing pool as he welcomes Donald with congratulations on his victory over the city. But Donald is grumpy, and why? Because of the changes. Specifically, the city has approved only 58 of the planned 68 floors, so the building will not be as tall as Trump was hoping. Trump insists that he's still going to call the top story the 68th floor, whether he has 68 floors or not. It will go directly from the lobby to the 10th floor. The amazing thing is that I had a very blasé reaction to that, because I've seen Trump do things that are stupider than that. Trump insists that he can call the floors whatever he wants. This is some brilliant television, y'all. Freddy -- did you notice him in the room? Neither did his father -- suddenly busts out with some kind of drunken tirade about how much he hates everything Papa-T and Donald ever do, and you can tell that this is another "time compression" moment in which they're trying to explain that at times, Freddy was quite tortured by the family business. They could have put this in the form of a Pop-Up Video sort of thing, but they didn't. And really, once you reject the most obvious "write a substantive script" method of explanation, it doesn't really matter which way you go. Freddy argues against the enormous and excessive sorts of things his family builds, and then he says, "Buildings fall down, Donald! Nothing lasts!" Papa-T is ready with his rebuttal: "Your difficulties, young man, are not a byproduct of this family's business. Rather, they are proof positive that the weak get weaker, the more nothing they do." Ooh, burn! Freddy's feeling that one all the way to therapy and back. When Papa-T has stormed out of the room, Freddy stands there being tortured, and then he says to Donald that he remembers their mother telling him he was "a dolphin born into a family of sharks." He congratulates Donald on having the DNA to play the game, and then gives up the movie's only decent insight on Donald Trump (sorry to blow the suspense): "You hyperbolize like it's a bodily function." Ah, that's the stuff. Two hours of that, I would have enjoyed. At any rate, Freddy blathers drunkenly some more, and Donald offers him "some help," in the Very Special Episode sense, but Freddy won't take it. He leaves, accompanied by a flock of vultures, a gaggle of black cats, his open umbrella, and a taboo idol he found at a construction site. I wonder what will happen.

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Apprentice

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