Trump: Unauthorized

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Later, Donald returns to the Trumpartment -- in his pink tie! -- to find Ivana doing something-or-other with the marble for the bathrooms, and I really couldn't tell you what, unfortunately. They bicker over her drive to do everything herself, meaning that in a two-hour movie about the entire rise and fall of Donald Trump, we are now watching a scene about Ivana's inability to delegate. I smell misplaced priorities. "Sometimes, you forget that I am a voooman, yes?" she asks him. "But you never let me forget that you are a man." Somebody got paid to write that, kids. Lie down and weep. Anyway, Ivana gripes that her work is just as important as his, and then there's more bickering, and this is how their marriage breaks down, so watch closely. Just as this is happening, Trump receives a call from Papa-T. A fateful call, you might even say. Because in this fateful call, he learns that Freddy has bitten the dust. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Freddy is no longer with us, having suffered a massive heart attack just after serving his main purpose in the storyline. It's very sad that this really happened to poor Freddy, and even sadder that it seems like such a cheap plot device in this particular setting. Ivana tries to comfort Trump, but he's having none of it. And then, there is humming on the soundtrack, because singing without words is what happens when someone dies. We suddenly appear to skip forward in time two years, according to some very clumsy dialogue, to where Trump is attending the opening of Trump Tower, and in the limo, he's telling Peter that Freddy "could have been saved." You know how he could have been saved? By being renamed. If they had called him the Trump Freddy Trump, rather than just Freddy Trump, he could have been rescued, don't you think? At any rate, Peter finally makes Trump head inside, which he does, with full slo-mo of mourning and quiet sadness, and then we are inside, where it is time for Trump to explain that the Trump Tower is the most awesome building in New York. Trump says awkwardly that Freddy was "instrumental" in all his projects, which is entirely apropos of entirely nothing, and then he encourages everyone to eat the hors d'oeuvres. Nice. "My dead brother was awesome. Have a stuffed mushroom!" That wouldn't be awkward at all. Later, Trump is on the phone with Papa-T when Ivana returns to the Trumpartment. Donald starts to whine about his father and something something, and then Ivana says, "I bought for us a book." And you can kind of tell from her tone that it's a sex book, and the whole idea of trying to improve your sex life with Donald Trump is honestly so skeevy that it kind of freaks me out, but there you go. And indeed, Ivana says, "This book, it is a very good book, it is a racy book, is for the helping of the relationships." Trump looks amused, which is kind of rude, and then he laughs out loud, which is worse. He tries to tell her he's happy, but she coyly points out, "There is no longer the sexual aspect in our marriage." HOT! She pouts about whether he's looking at other women, which he insists is not the case -- it's the women who "can't keep their hands off" of him. Off of Trump? Ewwwww! Ivana promises she would kill any other woman Trump had, and then pouts some more about whether she's getting old and "saggy." Trump assures her she's beautiful, although he does remind her that she's "skinny" and "not a knockout in the boob department." You know, it's really depressing that these days, you can actually, like, shop in the boob department. Sigh. "I am an athlete; I don't grow the gigantic boobs!" Ivana protests. I wish I were making up some of this. At any rate, Donald suggests to his wife the treasured and always wise "open relationship." She looks at him incredulously. "Do you know how I vill kill yooo?" she asks. He apologizes, but she gets up and explains how she will ruin him if he cheats on her. Divorce, loss of the children, public ridicule. In fact, she promises to make his name "something dirty and foreboding for all of recorded history." Nothing is going to make him want to sit down with a dirty book like that approach, I'm quite sure. Anyway, he tells her they don't have to have that open relationship, then. He says he doesn't want a divorce, and she gets all teary talking about how this would make their marriage a failure, and he can't stand to fail, and considering how little he appears to care about their marriage based on this movie, it's a little hard for me to swallow that explanation, but...all right. "You build so many buildings, but you have yet to build a single home," she weeps. I think that's what they mean when they say the dialogue is fictionalized. Because that line most certainly was one that made me want to derisively snort, "Chuh."

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