Trump: Unauthorized

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Papa-T chats with Donald about whether he loves Marla. Donald points out that Marla doesn't want anything except to make him happy. Well, that's a recipe for an interesting relationship. Papa-T points out that it's kind of ridiculous to think that a guy who wants more than one car might settle for one woman. That is seriously the best and most romantic analogy ever, and would completely work on me. Papa-T goes on to explain that "women are to be flattered, made love to, and bought off." And how! I was wondering how I was going to pay off my law school loans. Step right up! Ravish me and pay up! I don't have all day here, people! Okay, anyway. Papa-T says that it's not good for a woman to ever think you might be falling in love with her. That's totally true. We're bitches that way. Papa-T ends on the always popular piece of fatherly advice, "Don't get caught." I loved everything about that romantic, romantic sequence. We then observe a montage in which Ivana and Donald visit Aspen for Christmas, along with a lot of other celebrities including Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith, who are referred to as "hot hot" so that you remember that this took place a really long time ago. Once the Trumps have exited their car and entered their love nest (or whatever), another car pulls up. The door opens. Marla steps out, apparently ignored by the press that was just stalking her like crazy freaks only one montage earlier. Things really do change in a hurry. She makes her way unmolested into the lodge, or chateau, or whatever. Inside, Donald is telling Ivana he's surprised the press hasn't said anything about her boob job, although he doesn't actually say "boob job." He says "uh," which, when it comes out of the mouth of this particular incarnation of Donald Trump, means "boob job." "I'd just like to be able to recognize you in a crowd," Donald complains. He is totally the Suzanne Somers, incidentally. "Husband should recognize vife with bag over head," Ivana intones. I get all confused about whose head the bag is supposed to be over in this stern-sounding admonition, but am then distracted by the fact that she adds, "Vith no head at all." I think that would be an awesome improvement to both of these people. He goes off to make calls, and she tells him something rude about having a third arm attached. No, really. And then he closes the door, and she sadly mutters to herself, "Maybe a spare ass." A spare ass indeed, lady. A spare ass indeed. Elsewhere, in another room, Marla is all vapid in her mint-green pantsuit (she's the Don Knotts, basically), telling her mother on the phone that she feels sorry for Ivana, because it is Marla herself whom Trump really loves. In fact, he wants her to marry him. She even breathlessly says Donald wants to put her in a scene on Dallas with Larry Hagman. What? I...never mind. She does admit, however, that Ivana looks "great." And then amends that to say she looks "better." Wow. Don't get too complimentary, there. And then she says this: "Me? No way. I'd probably wind up looking like a Playboy bunny somebody hurled through a windshield." I love how they explain everything about real estate as if I'm in third grade, but they expect me to understand what the fuck is going on with that line. Someone comes to the door, and she runs to answer. It's Donald! They're totally in looooove.

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