Trump: Unauthorized

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Later, a cigarette is dramatically lit as Trump and Wennik discuss their progress. Wennik exposits that the financing for the project isn't going to come through without "a huge tax abatement from the city." Wow. Nothing spices up a TV movie like talk of public finance. The irony is that the city won't do the abatement until the financing is there. Get it? IT'S A CATCH-22. And it's because of bureaucracy and the government's need to control your ass. Let's all stop and go read Animal Farm and Lord of the Flies. The explanation of the plot continues with unbelievable clumsiness as Wennik tells Trump things he would already know, which amount ultimately to the fact that a tax incentive is awaiting their use, but they can't use it unless they work on a project that is "an industrial project in a substandard area." Trump comes up with the brilliant idea of promoting tourism as an industry and all of midtown Manhattan as a substandard area. Yeah, not sure what's groundbreaking there, but something clearly is. They speak of the deliciousness of this rather obvious plan, and then Wennik mentions that Papa-T would probably have to be involved. All of a sudden, this same Trump who recently cited his father in desperation is utterly enraged, spinning to order Wennik not to bring up his father. "Do you want this or not?" Wennik demands to know. And by "this," he means the project, but it would have been awesome if he had smiled coyly and cupped his pecs on that line. I would have worshiped him until the day I die. A restaurant. A dinner. A table full of guys celebrating the progressing Commodore Hotel project. A forced reference to "Robert," who is Trump's "baby brother," also now working for him. A non-funny series of witty banterisms about what to call the hotel. And then, off to the side...a blonde. A lack of available tables. An accent. "My country, I am known for the telling of the joke." An enamored Trump. An approach. A bribe to the service industry. An available table. A meaningful look. An introduction. "I am Ivana [zomething zomething something]." A cut to a romantic dinner. "In Czechoslovakia, everyone worked in factory." True love. And then, BAM! Donald is preparing to propose. Things move fast around here in Compression-Of-Time-ville. As I have pointed out. Trump tells Wennik that he doesn't want a pre-nup, because he "really love[s] this woman," but Wennik insists, based on Trump's insistence on proposing to "a marginally successful eastern European model who skis." What the hell does skiing have to do with it? I'm so confused. Anyway, Donald continues to resist, but Wennik apparently prevails, because we soon are watching Ivana argue with her own lawyer about why anyone would be so crass as to make plans for a divorce before the wedding. And she can't figure out what all this "give back" business is about. In her most mocking voice, she says, "I want no more to be married with you, so you will return to me all of the jewelries and slippers from Christmas I give to you." Because you know what Trump will be giving his wife for Christmas? Slippers. (And not, as I originally thought she was saying, "sleepers," not that I didn't enjoy the image of Trump gifting his long-suffering wife with a pair of pajamas with feet.) Ivana shakes her head. "Barbarism," she declares, and then she wonders aloud, "And what am I to do? Return myself to the factory? My father's factory and make another shoes?" I have to say, basically everything Ivana Trump says in this movie, I could say all day long. "Return myself to the factory? My father's factory and make another shoes?" Say it to yourself. You want to say it again already, don't you? You do. You tried it, didn't you? YOU TRIED IT OUT LOUD! And it felt good. It even feels good if you use the wrong accent. Try Cajun! Or redneck! Anyway, then there is a meeting of the lawyers in which there is no "give back" of the jewelries and slippers from Christmas, so she apparently prevailed on that point. The pre-nup is signed. Ivana and Donald make goo-goo eyes at each other and make out, which is like seeing Penn and Teller ride a tandem bike. It's like you know they go together, but not doing that.

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