Trump: Unauthorized

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Ivana participates in some kind of promotional shoot for the ongoing Commodore project, during which she lolls about in a hot red dress on a ladder all around the construction-related doodads, and someone who speaks in the same awesome language she does tells her, "Make-a love with the hammer!" You won't hear that on Full House! (Unlike "sneezing on your knockwurst." Why the Parents Television Council isn't all over that, I simply do not know.) Later, in the Trumpartment, Donald is working in a boring manner as Ivana alternately talks decorating to him and tries to seduce him. And as much as I know you're all already tired of it, I can't not point out that she really should have tried something about sneezing on his knockwurst, which would sound so wonderful in her fake accent that I cannot even tell you. But she doesn't. Instead, they make out while he talks about naming the building after himself. Okay, that's a little bit awesome. Because that? Totally hot! "The Best Of My Love" plays as we visit the gala opening of the Commodore Hotel in its remodeled form, where Donald and Freddy discuss the success of the project and Donald tries to convince Freddy that he (meaning Freddy) was helpful, which he clearly wasn't. All Freddy does is drink! I know that because it's a theme. Up at the podium, Papa-T talks about how pleased he and Equally Proud Mary are with their boy and his spirited frontal attack upon the landscape. The fabulous Younger Trumps are introduced to the crowd, which lavishly adores Donald and his exotic blonde wife. Donald tells the group how pleased he is that the skyline bears his mark. It's like peeing on trees, writ large. But why are we really here, in this scene, enduring these speeches? Well, we are here so that when Ivana steps up to make her speech, she can use -- for the first, glorious time -- the words "The Donald." In a shot right out of a class at the If You Can Trace Tippy Turtle, You Can Do This, Too School of Filmmaking, a journalist breathlessly writes it down. "The Donald"! So, you know. There's that coined. Donald and Ivana make out. "He's going to guarantee us Page One," Wennik observes in the audience, where he is in the company of Baby Brother Robert, Trump's non-pilot, non-alcoholic sibling. "And she's going to guarantee us Page Six." Oh, Peter Wennik, you irrepressible cynic. You're going to guarantee yourself Page Crying On The Inside! We now join Donald Trump, already in progress, being interviewed by a radio host who questions him about the fact that his new hotel is "booked for months -- years -- in advance." So things are going well, in case you didn't know. Time really is compressed! The host reveals that the hotel is not everyone's cup of tea, and that its critics call it "conspicuous," "garish," and "over the top." But "the people, they are really liking it, man." That was a very meaningful scene. I love it when a DJ opines about what "the people" are "really liking." It's usually a bad band or a surgeon who does LASIK procedures.

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