Inside, the party is in full swing, with Trace glad-handing his county folks and raking in checks for amounts like $5,000 and $10,000. He even gets a $5,000 brick of cash from someone. Somewhere in the city is a Fendi briefcase that's a bit on the light side. Piers greets his twenty service people he's brought in to put on display in order to motivate higher auction bids. If he advises them to limp, we don't hear it.

And here are the Trumps, rolling in and greeting the celebrities. The auction begins. The first lot up for bid is a fancy Super Bowl-related thing from Trace's side that starts at $15,000, but goes even higher. Someone really likes football. Next is Piers's tea with Sarah Ferguson, which goes for $100,000 to the boss of Cantor Fitzgerald. Piers talks about the guy's company being famous for having been decimated on 9/11. Shit, now I have to scrap that joke about how disappointed the winning bidder is going to be if Fergie doesn't put out. That would just be in poor taste. Ivanka buys a $6,000 dinner with Trace. "Sorry, honey, I may not come home," Trace jokes to his wife, who I'm sure finds that fucking hilarious. Next is the item Piers scored from Sharon Osbourne, namely dinner with the Osbournes and a live gig by Ozzy and his band anywhere in the world. Watching this at home, Ozzy is like, "What, the [bleep] bleeding [bleep] [unintelligible] [bleep] [bleep]? SHAROOON!" Mr. Cantor Fitz drops another hundred grand on that. Trace interviews a bit defensively that he's raising money too, even if he doesn't know people as rich as the people Piers knows. Or as many 9/11 survivors.

Back from the ads, the rest of the auction is edited too quickly to know what's going on, and then we're down to the last item on the list: the shopping date with Ivanka. It's looking like a grinning lech is going to win it with a $20,000 bid, until Piers gets a call from Simon Cowell to bid over the phone. Piers takes over the microphone and the whole event as Simon runs the bidding up to $100,000. Trace interviews that it's "distasteful," but Piers boasts that if you go up against him, he will crush you. And he will crush you with Simon Cowell, so you stay crushed.

With the auction at an end, it's about time for Trace to introduce the band, even though he was never able to come through with the wheatgrass.