The task is actually relevant for once: overseeing the redesign of corporate uniforms for Embassy Suites. Roxanne and Allie, despite much canoodling and love talk, manage to create something combining the attractive flair of Captain Eo with the utility of Daisy Dukes. Allie's contributions include the incorporation of culottes, okay, and a nonstop barrage of offense directed at Marc Bouwer, who probably won't be offering to help Trump with any more tasks for a while. Meanwhile, Lee and Sean rock out again, this time by listening to the employees they interview and using the information they discover. Sean takes a second to whine some more about Tammy, ever less convincingly or interestingly, and Gold Rush takes their awesome reward: dinner with the incandescent Ivanka and almost charming Don Junior. As usual, Ivanka is the best part of the episode. The worst? Although Roxanne and Allie, as "co-PMs" on this monstrous task, deserve not only to be co-fired but co-rapped smartly on their co-knuckles for being co-idiots, they are instead co-fired for...appearing in the Boardroom, arguing their sides, and presenting their separate cases for why they should stay. Because women, when behaving in a manner usually lauded on this show -- and doing a much better job of staying rational and graceful throughout than in almost any Boardroom in memory -- are held to a completely different standard of behavior, because women are inherently irrational, the rules of the Boardroom turn upside down and backward: war becomes peace, freedom becomes slavery, and as per usual, ignorance is the only strength a bitter woman-fearing magnate can possibly claim. For the crime of discussing their own and each other's merits in a Boardroom designed for explicitly this purpose, during a rational discussion the derailment of which he continually attempts to instigate, Trump decides they're both just being bitches -- and fires them both so they'll shut up.
Last week, Roxanne kind of laughed at Tammy when she said she was getting ganged up on, but then so did I. Trump told them -- and this is important, if you look up as the anvils are falling on your tender little head, you can see this etched into them -- that there's a "difference between friendship and business." If you're a lady, anyway. If you're a man, friendship comes with the territory, because men are accountable for their behavior in a way women never could be. Yeah, it's going to be that kind of recap. Between this and fucking X Men III I'm this close to giving myself a crazy-person haircut in the bathroom and carving "Susan B. Anthony Died For Your Sins" into my torso like Marky Mark, whilst listening to music from the imaginary Riot Grrl movement of the late '90s. Or maybe I'll go the other way, scarf a Double Meat Man-Boy Love Burger, and just start tossing women in the pool. The first one that doesn't float, that's the girl I'll marry.
Maybe it'll be Sean, who is making a salad for his woman, whom he knows is not coming back with his head, but his heart keeps whimpering, "Hundreds of Apprentice babies, and then I'll finally be a man." He dances around with a mannequin to which he's stapled a picture of her face while telling us that if Tammy comes back, he'll be "over the moon," and that "probably" the first thing he'll do is "grab her and take her in the bedroom and just give her a big hug." What is this, Cinemax? That kind of filth may be fine in the land of Madame George and roses, but over here it's just sickening. The wave of pure, seething masculinity that comes off Sean all the time is really just overwhelming.
On the subject of bitches, Sean tells us that Roxanne and Allie "put on the image that they're holier than thou," that they're "clean," but that when the cards are down, they will totally play along with your made-up excuses about drowning in a sea of "istrogen" or whatever the fuck reason you get to think of yourself as a victim. Downstairs, Trump fires Tammy for her design, which admittedly he's right in saying "stunk," and the Unclean Women return to the suite. Lee hugs Allie, who pours a glass of wine for the very stressed-out Roxanne, and Lee stands around noticing Sean's extreme pouting in the corner. He interviews that he'll "have to listen to them for another week" and pouts some more, because of their horrible harpy voices. At dinner, Allie and Roxanne talk about how Tammy "went after" Roxanne, who tells us that Tammy's "beefs" (cut to the steak Sean has tenderized with his tears) with her could really apply to Lee or Sean, and I wish we could hear more of that conversation, because WORD. Allie does more of that nonstop chattering about how there was no "teaming up" and repeats that obnoxiously forever, and then -- this is subtle -- says that she was just trying to mediate between Roxanne and Tammy, who were really the ones causing trouble. Which is funny, because Allie was the only one called out by both Viceroys for her bitchy behavior, but hey, she's a martyr, what can you do. Sean blanches as Allie describes -- almost impartially -- the way that Tammy wasn't having it, just kept "huffing and puffing and ignoring," which I totally agree with. He's ever so sickened and scandalized by Allie's ongoing self-flattery, which I'm feeling, and then gets all Sean-like into the camera about how he's "bored to tears of the rubbish that they come up with," and that he will "destroy" them, and that he will take "great pleasure" when they have to go back to the Boardroom. Fuck all four of you for the fact that I agree with him on that, and fuck you double for making me root for effing Lee. Out of eighteen people, the only competent person on my screen is also the total pisher I've been hating the entire time. Go Lee!