So what's the problem? They're ladies. Ladies hate each other, and they want to destroy each other. Always. It's because -- this is a secret, but we're friends -- they secretly want you. And sooner or later, one will destroy the other, and she'll get you. And that will be utterly sexy. But also disgusting. Because that's the problem with the ladies: either they're the good kind, and they don't use the bathroom or say nasty words or attack each other, or...you know. Whores. And once you see some women fighting, even if it's only in your own sick, sad little mind, they're whores after that. Because if they can get mad at each other, it's possible that they'll get mad at you one day. And it's not like women are ever right, but it might still hurt your feelings. And that's very sad, but when you get to be as old as me and T-Bag, you've seen it happen with virtually every woman you know. To stay in our good graces, you gotta wrap your shit up so tight Queen Elizabeth would be like, "I feel like a slut standing here next to you," and laugh your ass off -- politely, don't laugh too loud -- whenever T-Bag makes a disgusting sexist joke. And don't go crowding his game: that's the act of a whore that is ruining his brand. And don't go marrying him, because you'll be labeled a whore within six years, and sure, you'll get crazy alimony, but you'll still have to live with what you are. Which is a whore. You can't be proud of yourself, because pride is a sin, and pointless besides, just like you can't talk about your accomplishments, because those are only leant value if there's a man admiring them. I would like to meet Donald Trump's mother.

But that's just inside the show, right? Because here outside the show, we know that it's not just women -- it's everybody. This is a show that demands you be either an asshole, or a high-functioning robot. That's how you succeed. And when the boys do it, it's just business. Nothing personal.

Here's how you don't succeed: "Two women that really like each other, and they lose. A terrible thing. You're going at each other like cats and dogs. You like each other! Losing is shitty!" Allie, oblivious as ever: "It's total shit!" (Naughty word! Cobra!) "When you lose, your whole world changes. You went at each other!" They start to cock their heads, not really getting where he's going, because he's responding to a movie in his head, and not anything that actually happened. When a woman raises her voice, even to somebody else, that's like growing claws and attacking Donald himself. And they both did it, and then they weren't shocked into cowering by his use of a dirty word? One of them even said it back to him? "I'm disappointed that both of you walk in as close friends, and start attacking each other," he says. Which isn't what happened at all. They presented a unified front, he called them out on it, and kept picking the scab so they'd be "honest." And they were, and everything they said was true, and factual, not emotional, given to him so that he could, in his infinite wisdom, judge based on that evidence. But all the evidence he saw was that they were bitches. "I'm disappointed. In all the Boardrooms that I've had, I've never seen two people closer than you two. And at the end, you attack each other. Unbelievable! Roxanne, Allie you're both fired." Right cobra, wrong reason. Again. They both should have gone, for co-designing a curse on mankind, but not for this. If anything, the object lesson is that there are more men like Trump in positions of power than there are people like them, in the world, and these men have a vested interested in maintaining their power. I can't think of anything scarier than those two people coming at Trump, unless it's those two people coming at Trump screaming: "Once you good old boys are dead and gone, it's our turn." Who do you think is raising their children? While you're off having your midlife crises and serial marriages and Baby Boomer self-destructive bullshit, spending your grandchildren's legacy, who the fuck do you think is raising your sons and daughters? Maybe the scariest thing is the people not even waiting politely for you to die.