Who Wears The Pants?

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B- | Grade It Now!
Lesson Thirteen: You Are His Bitch, He Will Be Hanging His Slam On You

The boys go with DJ and Ivanka to some hip/chic restaurant and DJ toasts to "good company," Ivanka toasts to "success" (that's my girl), and Lee toasts "everyone's success." Aww. He interviews that it's down to three from eighteen, and that he's one of them, which is powerful. And for once I don't begrudge, because I don't get the usual masturbatory self-promotional vibe at all. I guess that fashion show was scary for him, since he was the PM. Which I was going to crack on, because Sean's powerful asexual vibe is what won the task, but that's not true. Lee rocked the first day of the task. He asks DJ and Ivanka about how it was to grow up Trump, and they give the same answer they always have to give when people ask this question, which I assume is all the damn time. They were aware that their parents were well off, but it wasn't insane. "We didn't get credit cards...with unlimited amounts." DJ says it's tough trying to claim you're not spoiled, and talks about how in college he had $300 a month and anything else was down to him. That's cool. I've thought for a long time that Ivanka was the best thing about Donald Trump, and I still think so, but I'm starting to really like Junior too. His face threw me off, that pouty thing he got from his dad, but he is...really quite charming, actually. ["He still should not have proposed marriage in a jewelry store in the Mall at Short Hills, but he's starting to work that off with me. Plus, he's not Bill. Always a bonus." -- Sars] Ivanka laughs that "at times" they may have "complained about the strategy," but they know they're very lucky. Sean interviews, basically, that you're lying if you can't admit your assumption that they'd be fucked up beyond belief, but that they're totally cool. He writes a love letter about Ivanka but I'll co-sign that one.

Ivanka asks, with a bit of self-deprecating humor, what their favorite reward has been, besides dining with the kids, and Sean's like, "I have a diamond! I am going to give it to Tammy and she can have earrings!" Lee "spills the beans" about Sean's crush, and the Trumpettes obligingly ask about that and "grill" him about it, because what else are you going to do? And by "grill" I mean that Ivanka laughs and says something like "Really?" and then Sean goes on all drooly and creepy some more. Ivanka's very forthright about how she was very fond of Tammy and thought she was great. Again, Sean subjects us to the idiotic retriever smile and the fake star-struck "lots of Apprentice babies" claptrap. Still gross. There's no aversion therapy I can do about people pretending stupidly about love. It's not interesting, it's not even about her, it's just you barfing out your guts because you can't stop talking about yourself. My nightmare is an AA meeting, where the point is that people are supposed to do that -- don't bring your guts all up in my face if I don't ask you to, especially when it's based on nothing real except for the fact that you were playing this ridiculous ladies' man role with Synergy until the very second they made you question your manhood, decided they were bitches, left the team, and narrowed it down to the quiet one. Gross me out. Sean asks what Trump's looking for, and whatever: solid people, tough people, integrity, no showboats (Lee gives a little "yikes" of partial self-knowledge), passion, not talking just to hear yourself talk, hard work. DJ says something about how even drivers and security workers have moved up in the company, and he's saying it as a sweet thing, but I don't like the image of being, like, a limo driver with four kids and wondering if today's the day Trump notices I'm dedicated, because that's just mythology that serves nobody but Trump.

What do people not know about Dad? Ivanka says he wears a pink bathrobe. DJ says -- this is dubious to me but they both seem to agree on it -- that he's a "blue collar guy" who just happens to have a "big balance sheet," but that he comes home and watches TV and eats cheeseburgers all the time. Ivanka is so great: "He's exactly how he appears: he's firm, but he cares about you. I hope you got that sense from him." I love her so much. That's the coolest thing anybody has ever said about his or her dad: "I hope you know he really does care about you." She wants them to keep this in mind in the Boardroom, and she and DJ are ultra-funny about how they know the Boardroom well, because that's what happens when they mess up. If the stupid show is trying to sell me on this family being cool, mission accomplished. She jokes -- as DJ drinks a soda really cutely -- that "some of us" get the BR treatment more than others, and the "some of us" she's talking about ribs her because she gets away with everything because she's Daddy's little girl, and they laugh in a very real, very awesome way. They're just smart and lovely and I like them a lot. Weird. Like, to the point where I feel bad about hating their dad so much. Remember the umeboshi!

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15Next





Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP