Who Wears The Pants?

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B- | Grade It Now!
Lesson Thirteen: You Are His Bitch, He Will Be Hanging His Slam On You

Allie is a fuckin' ex-jock! She knows from..."That gymnastics one-piece is super-cute, but I think it needs some belled sleeves and puffed shoulders like fuckin' Avonlea and maybe like a bustle. You know, to flatter the countenance. Ooh, you know what would be nice? Like a scarf! And a sash! And tiny bells around, you know what? A collar with bells on it. And like a chain hanging off of it, that'll look great as you're garroting yourself on the high bars. That's so edgy! That's like when the Gautier house leased out all those designers to Express, is what that's like. But for that extra-urpy color scheme that flatters no one, let's go with...hmm...peach with emerald green highlights. Nothing says 'I only agreed to be a bridesmaid so I could fuck your cousin' quite like that! Are there any features or body-shape issues you're uncomfortable with? Because I can highlight those like a motherfucker if you want."

God knows Bouwer loves tweaking the eating-disordered more than anybody. Marc gets to the front desk pleats issue, and Allie blurts out that they'd like a nice straight skirt, since the only thing the front desk people wanted was to camouflage their hips. That's literally all they wanted. You know what, a tailored waistcoat and a pencil skirt will flatter exactly the three anorexics on staff, so let's go with that. Roxanne's like: "PANTS! They wanted pants. That's all they would say: flat-front slacks. Flat-front slacks." I honestly think Allie's just operating on some kind of info overload here, because the conversation about the pleats was, like, graphic, with much visual-aid action. How do you forget that? By whipping yourself into a frenzy trying to outdo Marc Bouwer, that's how. Which is a moronic and control-freak thing to do anyway, because you will never outdo Marc Bouwer, because he is mean as a snake.

The Rush gets overexcited, as is their wont, in the fabric store. I have my future narrowed down to exactly two men in this world, operating from my Holly Golightly Palimony Excel Spreadsheet: Slade Smiley from The Real Housewives Of Orange County, and Tim Gunn. One because he's a total mess, but the kind you can easily manage if you know the trapdoors and ugly viper pits cold, and the other one because he's like too totally awesome. The point of telling you this is that we are friends, and friends can admit things to each other, but also that any time we go to a fabric store on this or any other show, I can feel my destiny calling louder than Jo-Jo Dancer, and what it's saying is, "What happened to Andre?" I'll tell you exactly what happened to Andre: he got in my way. Back on topic, Edward the Rush designer stands around in a smock, now looking like the hairdresser on the Nebuchadnezzar.

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