Who Wears The Pants?

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B- | Grade It Now!
Lesson Thirteen: You Are His Bitch, He Will Be Hanging His Slam On You

I wish the rest of the episode were hanging out with David and Jay, and the models. That would be so much more fun. I wish Ivanka and DJ could come too. Champagne for all. But no. The reality is that we must go on, in this business they call "show." Trump notes to the assembled jerks that this is "really a contest of men vs. women," demonstrating that he's still quick on the uptake w/r/t basic secondary sexual characteristics. It's the rest of it that gives him trouble, though, isn't it. He asks if the execs have a favorite, and they're like, "Um, there's a winner, all right. And we're using their shit all over the country starting now." Which is so, so awesome. That's something you can actually be proud of. "The best Zathura float" or whatever? That's nothing. This is awesome.

Ivanka on Gold Rush: comments included "comfortable to work in," "Gold Rush rocks," and the triple slam: "Modern, sophisticated and professional." Yes! DJ gives us the info on Synergy: "The material doesn't look comfortable," "nice designs, wrong colors," "too edgy, not practical," and the major one, "beautiful on models" is less like "flattering to the people" and more like the opposite. The votes: "fresh and comfortable" Gold Rush, 83 employees; "impractical, uncomfortable, less than complimentary to all body types" Synergy, 37 votes. The music goes crazy. T-Bag goes on and on about how he would have thought women would have the advantage in this task, which: whatever, and then says that now, whenever he looks at a an Embassy Suites uniform, he'll be "thinking about Lee and Sean." Which is funny for two reasons: number one being, the fuck is Donald J. Trump going to ever see an Embassy Suites uniform, and the other one being the massive outcry for a recall on behalf of the staff at these words. If you would like the dubious enjoyment of seeing me shed every stitch I'm wearing in the time it would take you to spit out your gum, tell me I'm touching Lee and Sean. Check out Jacob going into full-blown formicating fantods so, so fucking fast.

Ivanka interrupts for a little reality check, about how Sean's knowledge of fashion and tailoring surpasses her own, a person who knows a little something about fashion, so how in hell would the women have an advantage? The gender equilibrium shakes and shivers and begins to bend and shriek with the sound of warping steel, so DJ jumps in there with how Sean's not really a man, so don't go getting funny ideas, Betty Friedan: "His metrosexuality paid off!" Whew. For a second I thought Ivanka was saying that girls could be doctors and lawyers and plumbers and all that Free To Be You And Me shit, but thank God for Donald Junior, who will set you -- and all of us -- straight in a second. The guys all breathe a sigh of relief and the women all stare around like, "What just happened there?" Sean interviews how "Tammy baby, that was for you, darling," and "Synergy, you haven't got a clue when it comes to fashion and style, you really don't," and kissy-kissy "good luck in the Boardroom." Somewhere Tammy slaps her own face out of nowhere, all, "The hell was that?"

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